Pass it to the left

Something that I have not written about so far is my personal feelings on the use of marijuana.  Today I change that.

When I was in my teens I tried pot for the first time.  I was living in a woman's shelter and it was a boyfriend that gave it to me, a bunch of us sitting around in a basement.  I guess that seems to be the typical way for teens to smoke.  I remember very little about it, only that I was fascinated by the key around another girl's neck.  I just kept staring at it.

It was a few years later that I tried it again, not good stuff at all.  All it did was give me a headache.  It was a few more years again before I tried it again.  That was in my very early twenties and with my boyfriend and his friends and even his younger brother.  We smoked about every weekend and sometimes during the week at night.  I worked full time and I supported two other adults.  I didn't have the money to spend on it so what I had was what was shared.

It didn't last long; the relationship or the weed.  Few years down the road and I started again.  At first it was just every once in a while for fun.  I liked the way it made me feel and I DIDN'T like the way alcohol did.  It was the better choice for me.  After a while I realized that the marijuana was helping me.  My pain was easier to handle and it brought my anxiety down a couple notches.

It's been about 3.5 years now since I started smoking pot for something other than recreational use.  In fact, I rarely smoke for the fun of getting high anymore.  If I could find the strain that allows for pain relief without the effect it has on my brain then I'd be a lot happier about it.  As the years go by my pain gets worse and nothing the doctors have ever given me have done any good.  I'm tired of being in pain all the time.

Most of the time I push myself through the day without anything to take the edge off the pain.  I need to drive places and do things that require as clear of a head as I can manage.  So in the evening when the child is in bed I light one up and let the pain melt away. 

In case you didn't catch the message; I'm pro legalization!

About a year ago

I wrote this on another blog and wanted to share it on this one.

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Tuesday, 19 June 2012

On the radio today I was listening to a talk show about immigrants.  He was an immigrant in the USA when he lived there and now his wife and children are technically immigrants now since they live in Canada.  Apparently there is a new report saying how much the government spends on immigrant and how little they put back into the economy since typically they end up being in positions that pay little different than minimum wage or are unemployed.

Here is a link to an article about it:

Recent immigrants cost taxpayers $16B

Well I was on hold for a while to talk to the host about it.  I don't know a lot about immigration and the statistics mentioned, but I do know that a high percentage of immigrants come and take very low paying jobs.  I know that because I have been in those jobs most of my life and worked with high percentage of immigrants.  Please don't get the wrong idea about this, I am pro immigration.  I don't feel like immigrants are stealing the jobs of hard working Canadians.  In fact, I know this to be untrue.  Just ask half the people working in sweat shop style call centers selling newspapers.  I met a wonderful lady who spoke fluent English, she was a surgeon in South America and she came to Canada for a better life. She was working in a Directory Assistance call center.  Dial 411 and speak to a doctor to find out the local taxi number.  In Canada she had to go back to school to become a doctor here.  She would have to start out as if she just graduated high school.  She couldn't afford to go through all of that schooling again. 

At a time where we need so many medical professionals we are turning them away?  I think there are many things that are wrong with the Canadian Immigration Agency, but putting more money into helping these people get crappy jobs is not going to help at all.

 

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Warning: The following post may contain foul language.

A couple days after Christmas, which was almost cancelled on her, and she's not any different then before.  Maybe she is just getting worse.  I took her out to breakfast this morning, she had chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate milk.  After that we went to the local bead store where I gave her $3 to spend on beads for herself.  She found some great items and got some great ideas.  Then when we get home it's all bitch, whine and complain.  We had to walk across the street to get to the mail box and check it; in the winter it goes to a community mail box and I only check it once every few days.  She asked me to carry her bag because she didn't have mittens.  Okay, no problem.  Then as we are walking across the street she nearly walks in front of a car and I pull her out of the way.  She screams at me.  Now she has slush in her boot and it's my fault.  "It's cold outside, waaaaahhhhh!" No fucking way?  Really?  I thought it was hot out here!  I mean, why else would I have a thick coat and mittens on?

I'm not sure how much longer I can handle her.  It's like she is getting more rude every day.  WebMD has a list of symptoms of Oppositional Defiance Disorder and there are only two things on this list that do not apply to DD.

Symptoms of ODD may include:

• Throwing repeated temper tantrums
• Excessively arguing with adults
• Actively refusing to comply with requests and rules
• Deliberately trying to annoy or upset others, or being easily annoyed by others
• Blaming others for your mistakes
• Having frequent outbursts of anger and resentment
• Being spiteful and seeking revenge We haven't noticed this behavior as of yet.
• Swearing or using obscene language  She doesn't swear.  She is very offended by foul language.
• Saying mean and hateful things when upset

And these are things that are every day nearly all day with her.  Not like it's once in a while or even one thing a day.  She does everything on this list every day!  I just don't know what to do anymore.  We have enough issues in our life without this on top of it all.

View the WebMD article on ODD.

We need more space!

I think a lot of the conflict that happens in my home could be resolved with more space.
We are confined to one livingroom and two bedrooms for the three of us. I know that's more than some have and we are very lucky to have the size of place we do have. However I can't help but think that we could make very good use or at least one other room and a basement.
A house. Wow, I miss my townhouse. I'd love to still be in a decent sized house. Finished basement. *dreamy eyes*
Three bedrooms, separate dining room (or at least dining area) and a finished basement. At least 1.5 bathrooms.
So, if you read this please send positive thoughts my way. After the 26th I hope to hear back about a potential career opportunity. Not just a job, a place I can retire at. *dreamy eyes* A real career. *sigh*
Oh, and happy holidays to everyone. No matter what you celebrate I hope it's wonderful!

Here's how the last few days have panned out.

At night I map out the next day. Things I plan to do and get done. The last week has been no different except that most of what I plan to get done I'm not doing. I mean I've started the same load of dishes three times now! I fill the sink with hot soapy water and dirty dishes. I give it a few minutes and run off to do something else on my list. Something will come up and wham! The day's over and that sink has cold scummy water now. *sigh*
The first couple days I was not even home for most of the days and when I finally got home it was with a cranky child in tow. Then wednesday night I was thinking that thursday I would finally get some of the home cleaned. I had goals set and I was on my way to bed at a decent time to start myself off right.
Then my daughter gets the flu. Woke up and vomited all over everything. Poor girl. DH brought her bedding to the laundry room and set it on while I soothed her and washed her stomach contents out of her hair. After getting her settled in to bed again she gets sick again. This time I was there with her and was able to get a garbage can in time.
She's burning up and doesn't seem to be starting to feel any better. Complaining her stomach hurts. I rush to the car in my pyjamas and drive to the pharmacy. Get home to find her laying in bed with her Daddy sitting beside her. It was sweet. He was her Knight standing vigil against the dark virus. His weapons were snuggles and a garbage can.
Anyway. She was given a bunch of things to help and got settled into sleep. All seemed well. That was until we wake up at 730am to find her floor covered in vomit. She missed the bucket. This time DH snuggled her while I cleaned up. (We make a good team)
So, all the plans of cleaning today got tossed out the window. I sat with her and ran her bedding through the wash. It took me an hour to convince her to let me take a nap because I had an exam to write tonight. Nap was successful however I didn't write the exam (long story, no worries).
Tomorrow I have a procedure at the hospital in the morning, items to pick up in the afternoon, cards to mail, a couple gifts to buy and still need to do the house cleaning I've been unable to do all week! ACK!

Dear Gods...

Christmas shopping today.

I've never wanted a perc more.

#!*@ it hurts!

Low sleep = high pain

Night before last I just could not sleep. I spent hours trying to keep my eyes closed long enough to let sleep come. Nothing worked. Eventually I think I was just too exhausted for anything and napped for about an hour or so. The whole night I snatched 15-30 minute naps.
Last night I drugged myself up on pain killers and sleep aids hoping to get a better sleep. It started off great but 4am came around and my DD and her BFF (who slept over) decided it was time to wake up and be annoying and loud and rude.
So despite being able to grab a bit more sleep I'm in huge amounts of pain right now. Enough that I'm laying in my bed and taking mental stock of all the pain killers I have and which ones will pack the biggest punch. Wish I had a perc or two left.

Possible reactions to foods

I'm not sure what's going on with my body. I have a suspicion that it MIGHT be the ginger ale. Or the combination of ginger ale and cranberry juice.
Allow me to explain. Yesterday I poured myself a glass of cranberry juice and put in some ginger ale. I've had it plenty of times before if not recently. Half way through the glass I got a bad headache in the back of my skull. I slept it off and all was right again. Well, as right as I usually am.
Anyway, today at dinner I poured the same thing. And again, half way through I get the headache. Different time of day both times and nothing else in common.
Drinking them apart hasn't had any ill effects so far. So I'm wondering if it is the drink or possibly something else. The only thing I know for sure is I'm not going to drink it again.
Things were so much easier when I mixed Malibu with my cranberry juice! LOL

Poverty

Poverty is something that affects millions of people world wide.  And those of us with serious mental health issues seem to make up a large portion of those people.  I read an article yesterday and I was amazed at how accurately it puts forth my own feelings.  She talks about the never ending cycle of defeat.  The acceptance that it will never get better than this.

Here is a link to the essay:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-tirado/why-poor-peoples-bad-decisions-make-perfect-sense_b_4326233.html

It turns out very well for her in the end.  She wrote this article to share how life is for her and ended up making more than my husband and I can make in a year combined. It's too bad that things like this do't happen to everyone who needs the help.

DD has been in a bad mood since I picked her up from school today. She wanted to play at a friend's place but that family had cleaning to do. She cried and whined and begged. It didn't work. She said she would help them clean. Yeah, right! Like she cleans her room?
Her teacher said that she's been very difficult at school the last few weeks. Said that her medication doesn't seem to be working as well but it does seem to be lasting longer. He told me there was an altercation with another girl. My DD apparently scratched her. She spit on another girl's desk as well.
So when I got home she stayed in kitchen and read a book while I fiddled with my cell phone in the living room (I have finished the book I was reading earlier today). I didn't feel able to deal with her or anything else. It was difficult just to calm myself down. I didn't want to scream at her or otherwise lash out. So I needed to calm myself down.
Now I feel guilty because I know DH will be upset that I haven't cleaned the dishes or anything else today. Even though I was supposed to come home after my zen weekend to a clean kitchen and tidy home. Even though since I took over weekday dishes and have him on weekend dishes, there is no time I can recall that I wake up Monday morning to a clean kitchen counter.
Why should I feel guilty?
I shouldn't.
But I do.

Not enough

Never is enough. Not enough sleep at night, not enough time away, not enough of anything right now.
The pain is really bad right now. My lower back and all down my legs. I'm hoping that a hot shower will help later. Until then I plan to nap. Try to gain more strength and calm the burning pain in my body.

One more night

Today is the last full day of my respite. Tomorrow I can be here for a while however I must clear out my room by 10am so they can prepare for another person.
It's been good so far. I like not having the responsibilities that I have at home. I cooked breakfast for those who wanted it this morning. And I was quite happy that I didn't need to clean up after I ate. Someone that I cooked for cleaned up for me!
I think I may be better equipped to deal at home now however I know its not enough. I know that I need more time.
I love this house and I'd be the happiest woman if we had a home like this. It's perfect for everything I want. I'd change very little. Only add a better bathtub (jacuzzi) in the top bathroom (there are two and a half bathrooms) and remodel the little sun room off the dining room. That would have to be heated and have planters all around the edge with herbs and a few flowers. A nice little breakfast nook and herb garden. The perfect place to have tea.
Since my time is limited here I'm going to delve into my beads. It gives me peace.

Check-in

Last year around this time I started going down into the black hole of seasonal depression. I didn't quite realize what was happening at the time and that, I believe, is what set me on to my current path of self discovery and awareness.
Who am I?
I am a mother, wife, sister, cousin, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, niece, friend and sometimes confidant. The pressures of these things have been building within me so that now I feel overwhelmed. It's too much. I need time to be me and only me.
So this year when I began to notice the changes in myself I spoke up. I told my DH and we decided to give me a weekend away. A planned respite.
There is a wonderful program in our city that has a crisis respite house where those in need of respite can have just that. I have a small room with a soft bed and even a dresser if I wanted to use one. It's a very large old house and I love it here. it's nice to not have any responsibility. No one to explain to. If I feel I need a break I just take one.
In fact, I think I might just take a nap shortly. It's after four in the afternoon and I may just nap before dinner is served. That's right, served.
Now, if I could only get my anxiety to calm down and accept the break.

How do we move on if we are still in pain?

How do you just "get over" a big issue in a marriage? When your spouse does something that hurts you so much that you contemplate divorce, how do you move on? How do you get over it?

The pain I feel inside is crushing. There are times when I feel like I must be worthless. There are times when I feel so angry. There are times when I don't even know what to feel.

I live with my husband and daughter yet I feel so very alone. And very broken.

Grumpy Bear

You know the little cloud that follows Grumpy Bear? Just like the one on his tummy symbol? I feel like I have one following me today.

Depression is taking a bit stronger of a hold on me today. I had a counselling appointment and had to talk about some things that have happened. Things that I tried to push back into my mind and ignore the pain of. If only to move on with my life. But today I thought about it. I brought it out and had to face it again.

Why is it that those whom you love can hurt you the most of all? I feel so broken inside right now. I want to curl up next to my Daddy and cry on his lap. I want him to put his hand on my shoulder and just be there. I want someone to make me feel better. Like a person of worth. Like I'm someone special that deserves to be loved.

You know she's special when...

I've recently discovered my DD has developed a new game to play by herself. I'm not entirely sure how to play it myself despite her trying to explain it to me.

It's only component is a thesaurus. From what I understand she looks up a word, chosen by her at random, and reads it aloud. Then she looks for the synonym of that word that has a specific requirement she comes up with at that point. Seemingly, completely at random.

Does that make sense to anyone?

My daughter sure is unique!

Don't Assume

You don't know me, don't assume you do. Don't assume that I trust you because you are related to me. By blood or marriage, it doesn't matter. Not to me. Most of the time I trust easily however people tend to do things to dissuade me from continuing that trust.

I decided to text my SIL (sister in law) since I knew she was trying to think of gifts for us for Christmas. I was making an effort because, after all, she is family.

Now I should tell you that my SIL lives out west. And I thought she was an okay person. But after some time I realized that I didn't much care for her as a person. But family, right? She did some things that really upset me. I won't go into the details here though.

When I asked her what she got for my DD she refused to tell me; saying that it's Christmas and it's about surprises. I tried to explain to her that my DD is very sensitive and frightens easily. There are things that I won't allow her to have. Nothing changed her mind. It's not just the fears or the restrictions I have (like no Bratz dolls), it's also the waste of money. You see the first gift that was sent to my DD was a gold bracelet. She doesn't wear jewelry, she thinks it's pretty but she plays with it and ties it to things. It's just not a good gift. For me, she got me a set of glass pillar candle holders which my neighbour is currently enjoying. The next time she was gift giving she did a decent job with DD. Got her a cd and cute dino-bank. Me? A bitch faced pastel fairy with broken fingers. My DH refused to let me give it away, so I put it in DD's room. She thinks it's pretty. Probably because it's got a few gems in it.

It just blows my mind. She says to me "I know you don't like surprises" and that is so far from true. I LOVE surprises for myself. I don't really care if it's for DH, I don't need to know what it is. He's a big boy after all. But my daughter, my most precious dearest heart. I want to protect her.

I suggested to her that our relationship would go smoother if she was more co-operative. This was her response to me: I think as long as we talk with respect and kindness to each other we should have no trouble to talk and have a good relationship!! U have to trust me !

I said I was sorry, but I don't.

She responded with "ok then that's all I needed to know"

What I'd like to know is why she thinks that I HAVE to trust her. I barely know her, what I do know I'm not fond of, why in the world would I just blindly trust her?

Sometimes I don't understand people.

My little Aspie

My DD has asperger's syndrome along with combination type ADHD. She is also Gifted. She comes home from school every day with the same attitude, "I hate school". I had to fight so hard for her teacher to give her some of the supports she needs and to even recognise that she is Gifted. Her teacher is the same as last year. Last year I told him that she's smarter than everyone thinks. That he needed to challenge her. I've come to understand that when she tells me something is 'too hard' for her it really means it isn't mentally stimulating enough for her. Otherwise known as 'boring'.
It was part way through last year that she was officially noticed as Gifted by the special education team. And even after that her (then grade 3) teacher would not agree, would not give her advanced or challenging assignments. It's so frustrating!

Mrs. Grumpy Pants

I feel so grumpy right now. Very down in the dumps. I don't know what to do to bring myself up and out of it. I don't want to deal with life at all right now. I want to curl up under a rock somewhere and shut out everything.

Warm Regards,

Justine Hipson
justinehipson.com

Self discovery is an odd thing

I was just thinking about how I am able to know when I'm having a panic attack and know that I will be fine. Even though I'm so anxious I'm shaking I'm also so certain I'll make it through.


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Old voices

With everything going on in my home life right now there is one constant thing that seems the hardest to fight past. All the voices. I'm not talking psychiatric issue 'voices' I'm talking about the memories. The old ghosts of the past whispering in you ear.
"You are worthless, you cow. You will never amount to anything."
The things that are happening lately are 'sensitive issues' and not for the world wide web. So it's a bit hard for me to be specific. But with yesterdays information still new, the anger subsided, I keep hearing the voices of people telling me it's all my fault. I'm not good enough. I will never be good enough. And I start to believe them.

I feel broken.

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It's been a while

This morning I had to give my DD a spank. We try not to do it at all however there are occasions when I have warned her that the punishment for a certain action would be "a spank on the bum". Things that I want her to remember are important and her realize we are very serious. One rule in our house is no food in the bedrooms. She had a tantrum this morning in which she pushed her bed away from the wall. What did I find there? A half eaten waffle.
I didn't yell at her, I didn't get in her face. I calmly asked her if she remembers what I told her would happen if I found food in her room again. She didn't. So, I reminded her. She screamed and begged me not to. I sat on her bed and asked her to come to me. I was calm and collected and just repeated over and over until she moved her hand and let me give her one swat. And that was it.
She has calmed now and she is doing her routine. She's been told now that she is not allowed to have breakfast on her own any more. She will need to wake me up so that I can monitor her. I plan to do this for about a week and hope for the best.
Mornings in our home are like a box of chocolates...

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Plan of action!

Today I'm trying hard to stick to a plan. Things need to get done and I'm the one to do them. So here it goes.
1. Watch 1 episode of my show. (While I am doing this I am going to be looking through flyers for shopping tomorrow. The reason I chose this first is tummy troubles. I can feel that my IBS is going to give me trouble this morning so I am home bound for at least an hour to let it work itself out.)
2. Go to the bank.
3. Mail package
4. Get milk and coffee. Oh, and supper stuff.
5. Do dishes (this might end up being 1.5 depending on how my IBS is feeling after my show.
6. Attack our bedroom (it's a disaster)

So that's the plan. Supper shouldn't require much since it's wrap night. Make your own. Meat is cooked already too.

Wish me luck!

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Big steps for all of us.

Lots of things going on and not a lot I can go into for the public. But today I let my daughter walk mostly home by herself. It is a scary thing! I worry about her. But I'm in my car and I can see her look both ways before crossing. She talked to her friend for only a moment. Didn't talk to any strangers. Such a big girl now.
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What does it really mean?

Today I planned to have a relaxing day followed by attacking my 'play area' and getting it organised.

One of my closest and dearest friends took me out for breakfast at Fireside. Wonderful as always. We drove to Walmart to return/exchange a couple things. And despite the fact that without the receipt I had to accept the sale price as my refund it was still a positive trip. Canadian Tire stop was quick and my Dear Friend (DF) picked up a knife sharpener on sale.

We made a quick stop at my place because I had left my swim suit there this morning. Pre-coffee me isn't as bright as post-coffee me. (^.^)

The pool was refreshing and the hot tub was relaxing. Everything I wanted. Everything I needed. And when I thought of spending some time browsing thrift stores with my DF after the pool I got an attack of IBS. So when I thought of all the things waiting at home that I <I>should</i> be doing and decide to try to enjoy myself a little bit longer I get stressed. And my body rebels.

Well good luck enjoying the rest of MY day!

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I cannot handle this

Right now I had to get up from my dinner table and walk outside. I'm near to tears and angry beyond belief. If I stayed inside I'm not sure I would live much longer. Not sure what my DD would do if she found me laying on the floor with blood pouring from my wrists. I knew it was my next step so I put my spoon down and walked out.

I'm just not cut out for this. I don't think I can do this, keep this up.

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Parenting Pains

My DD has refused to clean her room for the past month or so.  In our home there is "tidy" and "clean" and they are very different.  We like to do a good clean every two weeks though we don't always manage it.

She has been doing very well at helping around the house with chores but we have continued to tell her that very soon we will not accept tidy, we will expect clean.

We have been working with a CYW to develop household routines and rules for us all to live by.  And one thing that we did was make a very clear list for DD to see what she needs to do for cleaning her room.  We broke it down for her to make it very easy.  There are even pictures and it's laminated for her too.  She got this on Thursday and we told her that this weekend would be cleaning time.

Yesterday we had a few errands to run but we were home by 3pm.  I let her know that she may have dinner when her room was clean.  I wasn't feeling very well so I laid on the couch and ended up falling asleep.  It was past 5:30pm when I was awoken by DD saying she was hungry.  I repeated my earlier statement; "You may have dinner when your room is clean."

I won't bore you with the details of the next few hours.  Most of it was her trying to get out of it, saying she didn't have enough energy.  Saying that I don't really love her because she will die without food.  I even got her on video saying she would do any chore if I would just give her something to eat.  So I poured her a cup of juice (fruits and vegetables together) and gave her 5 peanuts.  I knew it was enough to get her through if she bothered to clean anything.  But she didn't and she ended up having a slice of bread with butter before bed last night.

My DH and I had a talk about it and agreed on a plan of action.  We advised our DD that she had until we were awake tomorrow (Sunday) to clean her room or we would take every toy and most of her books out of her room and get rid of them.  Storage, garbage, donation bin.  Whatever we decide.  I don't think she took us seriously.  DH didn't wake up until 11am and DD had been awake since 6am.  Plenty of time but not one thing done.  DH had a rough night of sleep so he told her he was going to sleep for a bit longer so she did have a bit of time left.  We tried to give her every chance possible.  But as parents we must stick to our word.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Always follow through.  Video by Barbara Coloroso (http://www.kidsareworthit.com/) has helped us a lot so far.

So, in about half an hour when we are doing eating we have to go in to her room and take all of her things away.  And to be honest, I think this is going to be one of the hardest things I have done as a parent.  I don't WANT to take her toys away.  I love her and don't like to see her sad or upset.  But this is a lesson I hope she will learn from.

Despondent

I feel very sad today. I don't know why. I feel as if I'm going to cry. I'm so very tired.

I was sitting on the couch and thinking, trying to figure out what is wrong when I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to feel pain. Why? Why would I want that?

I'm so tired.


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Big & Ugly

Why is it that people seem to connect being big (overweight, fat, fluffy, above average, etc.) to being ugly?

In the lunch room at the job today a slender french woman stated that she needed to be careful with the chips or she would become "big and ugly". I was the only person in the room that was above size 12.

What a sad person to not be able to see the beauty in people. A mountain is not ugly, nor a tree. I wonder what she would say if I took the chips, ate them, and said "I've got to be careful or I'll become skinny and callous."

Cheers!


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Lunch Hour

Not weighing during my cycle, no point since I eat worse and I bloat a lot.

I ate indian food. Spinach and potatoes. Had a "Fold It" along with it because the taste and texture is close to nann. Yummy.

I made a tuna noodle salad for tomorrow's lunches, complete with fresh tomatoes and celery.

I need to head back shortly. Wearing my knee brace this afternoon though. My leg is rough today!
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Good Morning

Nearly 10am right now and I'd still rather be sleeping. Working 9 hour days is really rough on my and I know it's going to be a long week. My body wants me up though. Had to pee and that took me about 5 minutes to get it all out! Now I can hear my stomach growling. Oy! Early bedtime for me tonight.


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Daddy's little girl

I love my Dad so much. So when he hurts I hurt. I worry about him and right now I'm crying. He's in so much pain right now, most of the time. He cries in his sleep. The doctor where he lives (rural area) is a twit and says that he's fine and there is nothing wrong with him. Herniated disc is normal then? Degenerative disc? My father lives in pain that I can't begin to imagine.

I feel so helpless and I wish there was something I could do. I just want to scream and yell and hit things. But nothing will make it better.

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Woo Hoo!

I weighed myself today. It's been a while since I had done it. I was very much "off the wagon". But it looks like FIFTEEN POUNDS so far!!!! Yay!!!!

Now, let's keep going.


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Social Media Hiatus.

I've decided not to access FaceBook at all for the next bit. Just using it as an email system for a few people that contact me there. When I go on I end up feeling hurt and I need to leave the hurtful things alone and move on. It's a rough thing to do.

Today the pain in heart is worse than last night. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it is and dissect it so I can heal and move on. It's not really working.


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Hard to write lately

I've found it very difficult to write about my journey lately. Most of what I want and need to write about is stuff that falls under the category of either "the world doesn't need to know" or "it will hurt people I love". So, I'm stuck keeping it inside and trying to find another way.

I feel very rejected and unwanted right now. And it's hard to deal with. It makes me angry. I don't know how to deal with it without making it worse for everyone. And it hurts inside. I can feel the pressure over my heart, I ache there. I think because I want only to be loved and being rejected hurts me deeply.

I'm very glad for my close friends and my family that loves me.

Other than that things have been busy for me. I'm very tired and have decided not to take any assignments like this one again. I don't want to work 9 hour days at a place where I can't leave my desk to go pee or get a coffee from the break room without calling in for back up! I loved working at the Doctor's office. I'd do that again in a heartbeat.

Two year anniversary coming up. Not going to get what I want for it. But I won't just tell him outright what I want, he wouldn't get me that anyway if I told him. I hope he likes what I got for him. I'm sure he will. I bet he might even tear up a bit. We plan to have a little dinner out on Tuesday after work. Just the two of us. It will be nice.


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Ack!

First of all I am using my touch pad keyboard to type this, so if you see a lo of typos you will know why. I'm trying to practice using it as the next phone I get will only be a touchpad. So I should really get used to it.

I'm so tired right now. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've been torn about a few things and working a office job in Guelph.

I've made my decision about ny dilemma and I think it allows me to have my cake and eat it too.

Stress at home has been fairly high. My DH did something that was bad. I don't have any other word to describe it other than that for the time being. I am still healing from that.

I saw my shrink and brought a safe person with me. Someone that while not agreeing with my decision to not change my meds she still respects it.

I'm a little foggy on what he said to me but I do recall something to the effect of 'you told me that your family told you not to change your meds' and went on to indicate (fudge the on screen keyboard, it's not even working right!!!) To indicate that he didn't understand that it was me that was not comfortable and me that had made the decision in the first place. Though I struggle to find where he would get that idea since even during our meeting I stated several times that I didn't think I wanted to change my medication. And I was very specific when I told him the next day that "I asked friends and family if I could take a pill to get rid of the crazy 'out there' part of me, should I do it?" I got a resounding no from all that I personally asked. My husband saying that was part of me he loved.

The doctor didn't want to go into it there, he said that he wanted to see how I was doing first. *shrugs* next appointment in September and the same friend will come with me again.

Now, I need to find my tensor bandage for my ankle and get some stuff done around this house!
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I'm having a dilemma.

I started this blog with the intentions of keeping a record of my attempts to lose weight. I had always been told that keeping a journal of what you eat and how your body changes was a great way to stay on track. I thought that I didn't want to carry a book and pen around with me all the time.

With the invention of the "blog" I thought that might be a better way to journal. I started with a livejournal account and learned what it was like to share your thoughts and feelings online for everyone to read and comment on.

That didn't work out very well.

It's been many years since I had my livejournal account and I find facebook is more than enough online drama for me! From my past experiences I decided that another livejournal account was not the way to go. I'm not sure why I ended up choosing blogger but here I am, blogging away.

Now where was I? Hmmmm...

OH YEAH! This blog started off for weight loss. Sharing my storey with other people just in case it helps someone. Or at the very least entertains someone.

Now I'm more of a healthy body, mind and soul blogger. And lately as I try to become more healthy I have wanted to share my challenges. And now we get to the part about the dilemma. I want to share things with most of the world but not some of the people close to me. I don't want the drama. I know at least one of my close friends reads this blog and there may be others. Some of those others I may want to talk about on my blog. (I don't use names but sometimes that person will just know that I'm talking about them). This is not a place that I will trash people (if it was I'd probably have way more readers!) However my husband may not want everyone in the world know about a fight we had and the details of it.

I feel like it may help me to write about it and it might help someone else to know that they are not alone in what they struggle with.

So what do I do?


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From sleep to sleepless

Not sleeping enough lately and so today I felt in a daze. So tired that after DD went to bed I was falling asleep sitting up on the couch talking to my DH. I don't even recall the topic.

I took my pills for the night and proceeded to lounge on the couch with DH to watch Prison Break on Netflix. About 35-40 minutes later I feel sick. My throat feels 'funny' and I'm belching up foam. I go to the bathroom and I start gagging and throwing up. It was horrible. And I really have to learn to chew my food just a bit more.

DH was wonderful and supportive. I took a shower and threw up some more. Mostly foam but a bit of zuchinni in there. That's what I ate for snack; barbecued zuchinni brushed with garlic butter. It was delicious when it went down.

When I was gagging it caused muscles all over my body to tighten and spasm. I was in so much pain all I could do was cry. And to top it all off, my head is very sore from it all. My oesophagus still feels like I've burned a layer of it off. And it is only now that I am starting to fall asleep again.

At 9:30pm I was already half asleep and at 1am the next day is when I begin the journey to dream land.

I hope they are pleasant dreams for me and all of my readers. Sweet slumbers all.
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I guess they were right.

I'm a worthless cow. I damage every relationship. I cause so much pain.

I feel like the only thing I've done a halfway decent job at is raising my daughter. She's such a loving child so I MUST be doing that right.


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Piss & Shit

I'm pissed off about this shit!

Why is that so offensive? My husband (not DH today as I feel less dear towards him right now) is very upset that I used the term "pissed off" and our daughter told him not to piss Mommy off. Frankly I'm happy that she is defending me; shows her love.

I think that words have become inappropriate in society because people use them inappropriately. Take 'shit' for example. It's a bodily function, I take a shit every day. Used when indicating bad things it has become a bad word. The same thing with 'bitch'; I cannot for the life of me understand why people take such offence when these words are used in the proper context. Saying to a person 'you are a bitch' or 'you little shit' are agreeably vulgar and insulting statements. Though I do not see any reason that my daughter cannot ask if that is a bitch or stud?

I'm emotional today.

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Sleep

I'm so tired all the time. Today is no better than any other day. I don't seem to get enough good sleep at night and then I'm beat the next day.

I have been napping now for over two hours. I'm still tired enough that I could sleep until the sun goes down.

And probably keep on sleeping until the morning.


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A Letter to my Psychiatrist

After the last time I saw my shrink I started to write him a letter.  I last saw him on May 10th, 2013 when I was picking up samples for my husband.  This is the letter that I sent him:

~

I deserve a chance to speak. Since timing is not working well for us I have decided to write it.

In my last appointment with you, my second appointment overall, I felt I was being pressured into changing my medication though I did not want to change anything. I feel better now than I have in a while. I'm more focused, more balanced and I feel more able.

During that appointment you suggested that I begin taking Lithium. A very powerful medication not to be taken lightly. I understand that I am not a doctor however I am experienced with mental illness. I've suffered from it since I was 13 years old, been on many different drugs and tried different therapies. I have been actively trying to lose weight as it effects my emotional state. I think that prescribing lithium to a woman who is clearly overweight on the second time seeing her is just not sound advice.

When I met with you at your hospital clinic location I wanted to explain to you that I did not feel comfortable changing my medication again. I had recently become adjusted to the new medication (Gabapentin) that you prescribed our first meeting. I feel like this is enough for now. I am no longer suicidal, I am sleeping better than I have in years. My husband has noticed a change as well. He says that I have been less grumpy, more positive, more interactive and we both notice the fibro is more manageable. I may be willing to try changing my medication at a later date but this is working for me right now and I want to enjoy life.

It is important to me that you understand something. I have a mental illness and I came to you for help. My emotions are fragile and I am vulnerable. The way you spoke to me made me very upset. After only two appointments you suggested that I return to my family doctor. Your tone was mocking only because I told you that my friends and family agree with me. They like me the way I am, manic highs and all.

There is a crisis in this region. People with mental illness can't seem to get the support they need. One of my closest friends was yelled at by a doctor at the hospital's clinic. She self mutilates and was in the program there. After admitting to cutting the psychiatrist asked in a superior tone, as if addressing a child, “do you think that was an appropriate way to deal with your emotions?” Within the same appointment she ridiculed her patient again with “I'm expected to come to work every day and not cut myself.”

Another person I know had attempted suicide. She overdosed on pills and then cut her own wrists. Prior to this she had seen various people at the hospital. She was found before she died, brought to ICU and when the physical body has healed enough she was admitted to the psych ward. On day passes she would cut herself. She brought items back with her to do it again. She was released too soon, we all knew it. Even she knew it. And she tried again.

Where is the help for us? Why do professionals who are supposed to help us do so little? Or do so much to set us back?

I have had very little success finding someone to treat my mental illness while still treating me with the dignity and respect I am due as a person. I hoped that it would be you. I thought I saw it in you when we first met. I believed you were above the rest.

If you feel you are unable to do these things than I will wish you well and thank you for the gabapentin. Please let me know your decision either way.

~

I dropped it off at his office last night.  I wasn't aware that he was even in however I still left it with reception for him to read at his leisure.

This afternoon I received a call from his receptionist saying that the Doctor would really like to speak with me.  Not that he would like to book my next appointment; he wants to speak with me.

I guess I got his attention.

The sky looks so pretty tonight

I feel....better. My pet rat is with me on the front porch of our building. She is afraid of almost everything so she likes to hide in my shirt and just poke her head out a bit to sniff the air. It's adorable!

The sun has not fully set so the sky is a gradient of blues. My favourite colour is teal which is painting a small part of the sky.

The community outreach worker at the local community centre was so much more helpful than I expected. We hoped we could get help with getting a pair of running shoes for my DD and a couple t-shirts and shorts. She has barely any summer clothes. We ended up with $50 voucher for the goodwill store! And that was just for the clothing. She gave my DH bus tickets, gave us grocery gift cards and a couple vouchers for the neighbourhood market.

I kept my DD out super late for her. I was trying to find shoes for her. Goodwill was amazing! 8 summer bottoms (shorts and skorts and one skirt), 7 tops (tanks and tees) and two dresses. I plan to visit Walmart with her tomorrow to find runners or tennis shoes on sale. At least I'm crossing my fingers.

Being able to get clothes for her made me feel so much better. I hate not being able to provide for my family. It makes me feel worthless. And since Miss Jangles died I've been very depressed.

It's nice to feel a bit better.


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Twice in one day, eh?

My mental/emotional health is what seems to be getting to me right now. My heart is so heavy with the pending euthanasiation of our beloved Miss Jangles. I look around my home and the utter disaster that it seems to be and I feel worse.

I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep. I hurt emotionally and all I want to do is cry. I feel like I am in a dark pit and I can't seem to climb out of it.

I don't know what to do to bring myself up, to make me ok again.
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Plans Change

Today I had goals.  I had plans.  I planned to tidy the kitchen and tackle my area or "office space" since it is a disaster.

It's only 11 am and already I am exhausted.  My DH and I ended up sleeping on the couch last night because it was too hot and muggy in the bedroom to manage.  Our daughter has an air conditioner in her room and we have one in the living room.  I slept alright, same as usual I guess.  But I was up late cuddling my pet rat who is dying.  She is in pain sometimes, so we have to have her put to sleep.  It's been a hard couple days for us.

I am babysitting a friend of my DD today.  I told them that I would take them swimming this afternoon.  I'm just so tired.  My DD is being really cranky.  I hate it when she acts like this.  Complaining that she is too cold when sitting in front of the AC unit!  Of course you are cold, go somewhere else.  It seems she completely lacks common sense.  I am given to understand that it is an aspie trait.

I hope my husband will understand when he gets home.  I hope that he wont be too upset that everything didn't get done.  I'm tired and sore and cranky.  I need a nap!

Critical Level Pain

One step up from where I am right now would be when I was in labour.

Fire, stabbing, throbbing.

Dear Gods please show mercy.


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How can I stay positive?

I've had a lot of things get better lately. I know there is work coming, I found a good samaritan to fix my car, we were going to spend the day at Riverside Park for the Canada Day celebration. A mass of free activities for the kids. We even brought the mini bbq and some hot dogs. And our friends.

And now my car is pouring transmission fluid all over the gas station parking lot. We had a few issues getting here and I figured that I didn't put enough fluid in. I had lost a lot of fluid after all. But after sending everyone off to the parade while I bought more fluid and filled the car up., I looked under the car and saw the fluid rapidly draining from under the car.

My cousin is amazing and I should be getting a tow soonish. But I'm going to miss everything at the park. We can't tell our daughter that the car is broken so she has to miss out. So she is still at the park with my DH and our friend (along with his son). Things are not as desperate as they could be. Everything will work out alright. But that doesn't stop me from shaking with panic and bursting into tears.

And transmission fluid stinks. :(
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Spiritual Health

I'm spending some time on my Spiritual health now since my physical health is such a challenge to tackle. (At this point 90% of our food comes from the food bank and friend donations, so I have to eat what I can get) A healthy diet is not really possible right now.

I read a good little snippet on spirituality and health that I thought I would share.

http://familydoctor.org/familydoctor/en/prevention-wellness/emotional-wellbeing/mental-health/spirituality-and-health.html

In an effort to do the things that make me feel whole and better I'm going to be at a farm this afternoon. I've watched a couple extra shows of Jackie Chan Adventures (I LOVE Uncle!) And enjoyed my free coffee. Yes, I said free coffee.

In the Tim Horton's drive through today the guy in front of me threw his coffee cup out the window and to the garbage can. He missed and it fell to the ground beside his car. He saw it and did nothing. So when drove up I parked my car and picked it up, threw it in the garbage along with my garbage. I didn't have to do it. I did it because it felt like the right thing to do. He paid for our coffee. Maybe by me doing what was right it reminded him that it was the right thing. Maybe tomorrow he will get out of his truck and pick up his own garbage. It was a good learning experience for my daughter seeing as she was in the car with me. Showing her that you do things because they are the right things to do and not because you expect something from it, and sometimes karma rewards you.

I'm off now to do more things that make me feel good. Spending time with friends and family.
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An afternoon with an Aspie

At this moment my 8 year old Aspie (who also has ADHD) is snuggling up to me in my room. She has been having a meltdown for the last half hour and has finally come to me for comfort.

She's been a grumpy girl since I picked her up from school. I parked across the street from her school and made her cross it to get to the car. She doesn't want to do it.

We had to make a trip to Walmart for a few things, on the way she constantly whined and complained about the heat. No a/c in the car right now. When we got to the store she started with the typical "I'm hungry" routine. She blames me for her lunch bag being sticky and therefore she was unable to eat her lunch. She wants something cold, something to eat now. The answer is no, she starts to cry and whine and complain about it being to cold.

Eventually I notice a sale on frozen treats and I ask her to help choose. I like to give her the chance to help decide on things like this; treats the whole family will enjoy. She makes her choice and promptly asks me if she can have one in the car on the way home.

Again the answer is no and again she starts with the crying and carrying on. I have become fairly good at just ignoring her and walking on to finish what I need to get done. She has gotten to the point where she realises that I'm going to leave her there if she doesn't follow, so she does. (Just to clarify, I would not leave her there. I have walked away before to where she thinks I am gone when I am really hiding and watching her reaction. But she doesn't know that.)

She asks what she can do to get it and I told her she can start by stopping the crying and grumpy act. It's the same thing every time. She tries for a bit then expects to be rewarded. I told her she would have to eat her lunch. She ate her bagel and expected to get the treat. Again she heard that evil two letter word. No.

The day got worse from there. Eventually she was told there was nothing that she could do to go a treat today. That she could not make up for her poor choices. That's when she began the meltdown. Screaming, crying, hyper ventilating (she does it on purpose often), throwing things, hitting things. If we don't go and engage her one of two things will happen. She will come out of her room and engage us, or she will calm down and ask for snuggles.

Today she came looking to engage us. I got to her before she prodded my DH into frothing at the mouth and asked her if she needed snuggles. She's learning to recognise the need on her own but often she will still need someone to cue her for it.

It's not easy, it takes a lot out of someone. DH takes it harder than I do, I can ignore her better I guess. And I will tell you right now that it puts a big strain on a relationship. And at the end of a day you sometimes want to reach for a glass of whiskey. But there is nothing more rewarding than the love of a child.
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On and off and on and ....

I AM trying. I just can't seem to do it all of the time.

Hubby and I aren't working and barely have enough to pay bills. We go to the food bank once a week because we don't have enough money to buy what we need. We are getting by however we do not have the money to spend on the items _I_ need for eating responsibly. So for the time being eating healthy is eating food.

I haven't given up on the journey though. I went to see a intake counsellor with a local agency this week. I got DH and I on a waiting list for couples therapy. We have found a couple things that we need outside help on how to find the middle ground. We had a good talk one day about some of the issues that we are having and we were able to compromise on. I won't be going into any details on that right now. Not what I consider public interest!

Another thing I was able to get on a wait list for is a VAW (Violence Against Women) counsellor. They are limited and there is a waiting list but I'm on it. The thing that is awesome about it is there is no fee for it and no cap on appointments. It's not a lifetime counsellor but it's an until you are better counsellor. YAY!
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Journey through poverty

Everything happens for a reason. Right now I'm not sure what the reason is however I hold hope that it is a good one.

We are lucky that Ontario Works has provided us with enough money to pay rent and a couple other bills. We are finally able to get new glasses. And I don't have to pay for prescriptions.

I received a call from the organization that had interviewed me last week. I wanted to work for them so very much and it devastated me to hear my rejection. They did tell me that it had nothing to do with me or how I conducted myself during the interview. Someone else was just better.

My sweet daughter told me "but there isn't anyone in the world better than you Mommy". She got a huge hug for that. And chips for bed time snack!

My friends and family are so supportive; I don't think I could do this without them.

My husband was hired to a company for a sales job that he will do because he needs it not because he wants to. Training won't start for a couple weeks yet; he's still looking for something better. He's had two in person and one phone interview with a company he is thrilled to work for. We all have our fingers crossed for him. It would help us a lot and he would do great!

For the time being we will visit our food bank and churches and hope for the best. There is a reason for everything. Everything.
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Off the Wagon

I've been awful with eating healthy lately. Too many carbs and too much late night snacking. I feel bad about it and I haven't been weighing in at all. I'm on my cycle right now and since that alone will make my weight fluctuate I am going to get back on my wagon as soon as I stop bleeding like a stuck pig. In the mean time, pass me that steak!
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Midnight Ramble

Not only is my anxiety level higher than normal lately I am also experiencing some of my rarer symptoms of stress.  Repetative behavior; tapping most often, with varying levels of intensity.  Completely involuntary.

Reading that over it sounds so clinical, so sureal.  But it's really me and it really happens.  My stress level gets higher and higher and my hand starts to flick at the wrist.  Usually tapping something.  Steering wheel, couch, desk, my own leg.  I try to stop myself but sometimes it just gets worse.  Sometimes I can change to clenching my fingers up over and over again.  Not always.

I'm wired from the stress so that I am awake until about 20 minutes after taking two melatonin.  Thank goodness for melatonin!  Which is starting to affect me right about now.

Good night.

The Ostrich Diaries

It's a bit difficult to put into words how I'm feeling right now. Panic has a grip on my throat and I feel like I am slowly choking. My heart is racing and I'm a bit light headed.

It's so hard to get a good breath in. I feel so tired. I want to eat endlessly. Anything. I would happily munch on cucumber slices with salt and pepper or a big bowl of Cheerios. I could eat steak or eggs or both. The will power it's taking not to raid my kitchen is draining.

I'm just so tired.

I don't know how to function right now. The thought of doing much of anything is terrifying. As hard as it is to believe that talking to my daughter or putting away some of my mess by my desk is triggering even more panic.

What can I do? I feel so helpless and ashamed. Like I'm not being a good wife or mother. Like I'm failing at life. I wish I could just bury my head in the sand and make it all go away.


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Doom and Gloom

We got a notice at the beginning of this month. It was from EI letting us know that the last eligible payment had been made. This was a bit of a shock (understatement) to us since the CRA website indicated the claim ending mid June.

As you can assume I am very stressed right now. My diet is hard to maintain when I'm dealing with the extra cortisol rampaging through my system.

I feel awful emotionally, I want to eat. My stomach is a bit upset. All I really want to do is lay down and watch tv or sleep.

This sucks!
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I've been a very bad girl

I've been a bit off the wagon lately. I'm pretty sure I have been staying in my caloric range, just not eating what I should be. Too much on the carbs and late night snacking.

I don't feel so great and expect that my lack of nutrition and activity are part of the reason. Though I'm sure that I'm going to have a 'cycle' soon, so that may account for my tummy troubles.

Emotionally eating has happened a lot lately, still upset about the way my Dr spoke to me.

I think I may try to write him a letter so that I can get down the reason I feel this way.

We need more email based therapy!


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In addition to my earlier post

I wanted to add some information that is crucial to the situation. This doctor has seen me a total of two times. The first time is when he put me on gabapentin. The second time is when he told me I was too 'high'. He doesn't know me well enough to arbitrarily fill me with pills.
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Mental Health

As I have mentioned in my past entry, I am going through a journey for my overall health and not just the weight loss. Part of this was beginning to see a new psychiatrist in the hopes of finding medication that will help with the anxiety and depression. The anxiety is the part that I have the most trouble with, it's counter productive.

I have Manic Depression which is (for those who don't know) characterised by extreme highs and lows. The highs are different for everyone. I guess it's like the person is on an 'upper'. Often the person becomes reckless or a thrill seeker. Manic highs also often cause people to gamble and spend money frivolously. My highs are not like that. I tend to fidget a lot. I talk fast and loud. I'm hyper and bubbly and, well...unique.

Many years ago I was ridiculed for this 'behaviour'. I was told that people didn't want to be my friend because of it. I was just too 'out there' or 'loud'. My parents don't like it at all, it's one of the reasons I can never visit them for more than a few days. They just can't handle how extremely extroverted I am. I feel a bit bad sometimes because when I think something is funny I will sometimes burst out in loud laughter and scare my poor old Grandfather half to death.

My parents love me despite my 'highs' and my Grandfather is the same. I spent a lot of time soul searching when I was younger and finally was able to love that part of me too. I came to the understanding that this part of my personality is part of what makes me so very unique and that if people didn't like it they could kiss my ass! That's right! Pucker up baby because this is me and I like me! No one else matters when it comes to this.

So imagine my shock when my new psychiatrist tells me I'm 'too high' and is suggesting that I start taking lithium. Lithium! Since I'm married and could get pregnant it is, thankfully, not recommended for me. We spent about half an hour talking about this and how I don't think I need to take it down. He wanted me to increase the gabapentin and decrease (and eventually stop) the zoloft. His goal seemed to be to get me on that lithium once I decided to stop trying to have a baby.

I eventually agreed to try an increase in gabapentin and the decrease in zoloft and he sent me off. I had to see him the next day to pick up medication samples for someone who could not pick them up for themselves.

When I got home I was despondent. I asked my husband and one of my closest friends (who had been over for a visit) what they thought. Both of them disagree with the doctor. As I shared my feelings with them, and later with my cousin who joined us, I realized that I had the right to say no. That I had the right to protect that part of me. And I decided to tell the doctor that the next day.

Today came and I've already been to see him. After explaining that I was not comfortable with changing the medication and that my friends and family support me in this he suggested that I no longer see him since my family can treat me. Yes, you read that correctly.

Welcome to Waterloo Region mental health care.
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A complete journey

First point today: still down eight pounds, lots more to go.

I have been pondering lately and have come to the conclusion that this journey I am on is more than just healthy weight loss. It's a journey to discover myself. Finding out who I am and becoming healthy in body, mind and soul.

I have discovered a few new things about myself. I shouldn't really refer to them as 'new' thing since I have always been me. I just didn't fully understand this part of me.

I am a polyamorous person. And I have a lot of love to give to people. When I love, I love deeply. I don't speak now of only romantic love. Though I do know that I am capable of loving more than one person romantically. And that the love I give to one person does not ever take away from the love I give to any other. Love, I believe, is infinite. The people that are close to me in friendship, I love many of them. And I have made a point lately of telling people how I care for them. So they know that they are cherished.

I have also been taking tiny steps towards my spiritual self. Learning my path and walking it. It's a slow journey, but I have no doubt that I will get to exactly where I need to be.


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Days off...

Yesterday was a very busy day starting late since I got to sleep in. I know I didn't go over my calories (currently at 1540 per day) but I know I came close. I didn't have my phone with me when I ate so I didn't get my app updated. So though it wasn't a full day off of this 'diet', it was a day off of recording everything.

I don't think it is any benefit to me to not record my meals and excersize.I think it has been helping me and since I'm losing weight it must be working.

Today I think I have over done myself. I swam hard and fast for 45 minutes today.

I'm so very tired!

Ciao
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My Day Off

I took a day off yesterday.  I have always been an emotional eater and yesterday I wanted the comfort I always find with good food and great flavours.  I thought about how I had lost 8 pounds so far on this journey and I have no desire to stop at that.  I know that one day of culinary debauchery would not gain me back those eight pounds, besides, my husband has already taken those up!  So, I did it.  OH!  That food!  Garlic Bruschetta Bread Pizza, home made goodie squares, popcorn, chocolate, jalapeno meatballs with asiago cheese dip.  And earlier I had a Mama Burger with grille onions!  With root bear! 

I enjoyed my day off, I didn't even record anything in my food diary on myfitnesspal.  Today I had my morning coffee, a bowl of popcorn and an apple (only been up about 5 hours so far).  I'm going to have dinner with my cousin tonight and I'm sure that it will all work out well.

Anyway, I've got a lot of things to do in the next half hour before we leave for family time.

Ciao!

Friday Weigh In

I have found that every time I reach into my cupboard to pull out my scale I start to stress out. I panic a little. What if I didn't lose anything? What if I actually GAINED weight? It would be a very horrible feeling. I start to think that I'm going to end up back at my normal weight again. The weight I have been at for so long. And I'd feel like a failure to myself.
Good thing I faced my fears and stood on that scale again! Confusion set in for 30 seconds before I realized that I had gone down another 3 pounds! Eight pounds in the last 3 weeks!
Sweet.
Reward for hitting 20 pounds lost? Lunch at Mandarin or King's Buffet.
Reward for 30 pounds lost? A new outfit.
Reward for 50 pounds lost? Buffet lunch again!
And WHEN (not if) I hit the 70 pounds lost mark, I'm throwing a party!!!
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Why is it feeling worse?

Over the last two weeks my Fibro/CMP has been getting worse. I haven't been sleeping well, so I thought it might be that. But on the other hand my sleep has only been difficult over the last week, not two.
So, I wonder if there is a correlation between my pain level related to the stress I feel when dieting?
It's a very interesting thought.


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Busy Busy Bee

That's me! I am a bookkeeper and I also prepare taxes for people, so right now it has been a bit busy for me. I haven't been thinking about blogging at all. I'm very tired as well because I haven't been getting enough sleep at night.
I've been so tired that yesterday I completely forgot to weigh in! I realized that I had forgotten about mid day but I had eaten already so I resolved to pull out the scale this morning before breakfast.
Looking down I was very nervous and that turned to confused and shortly after that, stunned disbelief. It said that I had lost 3 pounds. THREE! That means that what I'm doing is working. Granted I do end up miserable on some days and wanting to devour a whole cow on others, but it IS working. I'm doing it!
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Mobile Post Testing - Again

Had some issues with my phone, testing the mobile posting again.
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Nearly Bedtime - tummy grumbling.

I'm up a bit late today since we had some good friends over that hadn't been over in a while.

My stomach is clearly telling me I need a snack. I'm not hungry enough for a meal right now but if I don't eat now I KNOW I'll be up in a few hours with hunger pains.

So, what to have?

Calories consumed so today: 1284
Calories burned by exercise today: 831

That means I have over 1000 calories that are still available, should I choose.

Bedtime snacks used to be so much easier. Eat whatever is closest to me!
Good night.
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Friday Weigh In - Two Weeks

Went swimming yesterday afternoon with my daughter and her friend.  Got my daughter a pass for the rest of the month as well.  I really enjoy swimming with her now that she isn't afraid to swim out in the deep end.  And she's pretty fast when she tries at it. 

This morning I waited until I have had a coffee and my morning "constitutional" (that's what my Dad always calls it) before I did my weigh in.  And what I found was a little better than last week.

TWO POUNDS DOWN!!!

Yay for me!  I'm so excited I might just do something nice for myself today.  I'll let you know what I finally decide on later.

Ciao!

Ok, that was not an inspiring meal!

For dinner tonight I had white rice with a bunch of veggies. Onions, mushrooms, asparagus, red pepper, yellow pepper, spinach and sugar snap peas. I didn't have any meat defrosted so I didn't eat any. Oh, how I longed for something with flavour. At least a better flavour.
So I covered it with Billy Bob's hot sauce. That was better.
For my husband I had made rainbow tortellini stuffed with cheese tossed with olive oil and cheese pesto garlic sauce, onions, mushrooms and shrimp.
Yea, my supper sucked!
As a reward for eating all of it I ate two of my husbands shrimp. So worth it!


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Mobile post testing

I want to know if I can post via my mobile phone.

This is a test.
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Almost two weeks

Tomorrow will be the beginning of my third week on this journey.  I'm anxious to see the results of the scale and to know if I am doing the right thing.

I'm not overwhelmingly miserable any longer.  I had pasta for three days in a row (dinner than breakfasts) so that did a lot to boost morale.  Whole wheat pasta with ground chicken instead of beef.  I went swimming with my daughter the other night before supper.  We had a great time and she might even be getting a pass herself.  When we came home my wonderful and supportive husband had dinner made already.  Which was a blessing since it was 7pm and our daughter had to go to bed soon after. 

I have had many people ask me what diet I am on so I will take the time now to try and explain.  I am not on a specific diet.  It has no name and few strict rules.  I must eat 1200 calories a day and I cannot exceed 1540.  This is based on my current weight and how much I would like to lose per week.  I have removed 99% of red meat from my diet and our freezer is stocked with ground turkey as our ground beef substitute.  I track my meals and exercise with my fitness pal; it seems to be easier to stay on track when I know how much I have consumed already (calories, sodium, carbs, fat).  One coffee a day in the morning and water for the rest of the day.  I will have milk only if I have cereal and I will have juice if I feel like I need the energy badly enough; I would rather eat the fruit than drink the juice. Since I am a carb lover I have most of my carbs in the morning or early afternoon,during supper I take very little carbs and try to avoid carbs in the evening when I snack.  My husband has suggested that protein is a better snack in the evening than carbs.  I'm trying to snack on healthier items like lettuce (I really like green leaf lettuce without any dressing at all), yogurt, cucumbers, broccoli.  I've taken to adding Frank's Red Hot sauce on some of my food for flavour, 0 calories and since I don't add salt to a lot of my food now it's not a worry to me. 

That's really it.  Anyone is welcome to check me out on MyFitnessPal.com and see everything I eat.  If not, here is a sample from the day I went swimming with my daughter.  And yes, I ate a pop tart.  I earned that!  =)

Lunch
Selection - Plain English Muffin, 1 Muffin	130	25	2	6	125	1
Selection - Peanut Butter 25% Less Fat, 1 tbs	80	6	5	2	65	1
Egg - Egg, Hard-Boiled, 1 large	70	0	5	6	65	0
leftover pasta - same as last night, just less of it, 1 plate	250	0	0	0	0	0
Add Food Quick Tools	530	31	12	14	255	2
Dinner
Casa Mendosa - Large Tortilla Wrap, 1 tortilla 64g	190	34	5	5	510	1
Generic - Fast Fry Beef, 100 g	244	0	0	0	0	0
Lettuce - Green leaf, raw, 2 leaf outer	7	1	0	1	13	0
President's Choice - Extra Chunky Mild Salsa, 2 Tbsp	10	2	0	0	85	1
No Name - Medium Cheddar Shredded Cheese (Cdn), 0.165 cup (30 g)	79	0	7	5	158	0
Generic - Steam Brocilli & Cauliflower, 1 cup	25	4	0	1	25	2
leftover pasta - same as last night, just less of it, 0.2 plate	50	0	0	0	0	0
Asda - Sesame Seed, 1 Tablespoon	60	2	6	2	0	0
Add Food Quick Tools	665	43	18	14	791	4
Snacks
Selection - Apple and Cranberry Chewy Granola Bars, 26 g	100	20	2	1	50	9
Kellogg's - Pop Tarts Strawberry Sensation, 1 pastries per bag	200	35	6	2	175	16
Chicken - Breast, meat only, cooked, roasted, 100 g	165	0	4	31	74	0
Add Food Quick Tools	465	55	12	34	299	25
Totals	1,660	129	42	62	1,345	31
Your Daily Goal	2,876	395	95	108	2,500	58
Remaining	1,216	266	53	46	1,155	27
	Calories	Carbs	Fat	Protein	Sodium	Sugar
	*You've earned 1336 extra calories from exercise today

One Week Done - time to start the blogging!

My husband suggested that I blog about my journey and I thought it might be a good idea.  So, here it goes.

I'm currently 33 years old.  I have a host of medial issues and I am very over weight.  This has always caused some problems with self esteem however as I get older I have become more accustomed to being this way.  I have struggled since I was 17 years old with losing weight and I quite litterally blew up over night.  

I have depression (bi-polar) and anxiety; when I was 17 I was commited to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital for repeated attempted  suicide.  While in there I was started on some pretty serious medication which had the side effect of rapid weight gain.  After being released from that hell I continued on medication and one day I looked at myself and realized I was a lot bigger than a few weeks before.  

I have tried any diet that I could afford, often piggybacking on my friends' diets so that I could benefit from the kowledge and not pay for the service.  I don't eat a lot of junk food (unless I'm menstrating) and I don't drink pop 99% of the time.  I only get it as a treat every once in a while.  I drink pleanty of water every day.  

I have fibromyalgia which I have learned is the cause of my carb dependancy.  I NEED carbs like bread, pasta, rice, crackers.  I have tried more than once to cut out carbs and I don't even want to be around MYSELF when I have done it.  So many people tell me it gets better after the first week; you have to give time for your body to detox.  I say shut up and pass me the buns!

When I started this journey I decided that I would try my hardest until the end of April 2013, even purchased a membership to a local pool for the month.  If I don't see results at the end of April that make me happy, I'm on my way to talk to my doctor about surgery options.

At the end of week one I am miserable.  Absolutely miserable.  And I binged.

I'm told that everyone ends up doing it.  I'm told that I shouldn't worry too much and just keep at it.  One day was not good but I can still meet my goals.  None of this makes me feel any better about it.  Especially since my body didn't take to the junk I put in it and decided to poop it all out before bed.  Quickly.  With some minor burning.  Eww.

Eating healthy to lose weight requires me to:

• consume a MINIMUM of 1200 calories a day

• consume a MAXIMUM of 1540 calories a day

• chose healthy foods with plenty of vegetables and lean meat

The issues I have with this plan are:

• I am often not hungry enough to consume a full 1200 calories a day

• occasionally I am so famished that 1540 calories is not nearly enough (eg. mentration)

• the few vegetables I enjoy are either super high in carbs and not reccomended for me to eat (due to a need to reduce carbs) or they are so low in calories that I can't manage to get up to my 1200 calories!

It is an extremely difficult thing to balance for a person who is used to eating whatever whenever.

So, I plan to continue as I promised myself I would.  My body has until the end of April.  Better have results by then or I'm going to be very unhappy.