Ack!

First of all I am using my touch pad keyboard to type this, so if you see a lo of typos you will know why. I'm trying to practice using it as the next phone I get will only be a touchpad. So I should really get used to it.

I'm so tired right now. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've been torn about a few things and working a office job in Guelph.

I've made my decision about ny dilemma and I think it allows me to have my cake and eat it too.

Stress at home has been fairly high. My DH did something that was bad. I don't have any other word to describe it other than that for the time being. I am still healing from that.

I saw my shrink and brought a safe person with me. Someone that while not agreeing with my decision to not change my meds she still respects it.

I'm a little foggy on what he said to me but I do recall something to the effect of 'you told me that your family told you not to change your meds' and went on to indicate (fudge the on screen keyboard, it's not even working right!!!) To indicate that he didn't understand that it was me that was not comfortable and me that had made the decision in the first place. Though I struggle to find where he would get that idea since even during our meeting I stated several times that I didn't think I wanted to change my medication. And I was very specific when I told him the next day that "I asked friends and family if I could take a pill to get rid of the crazy 'out there' part of me, should I do it?" I got a resounding no from all that I personally asked. My husband saying that was part of me he loved.

The doctor didn't want to go into it there, he said that he wanted to see how I was doing first. *shrugs* next appointment in September and the same friend will come with me again.

Now, I need to find my tensor bandage for my ankle and get some stuff done around this house!
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I'm having a dilemma.

I started this blog with the intentions of keeping a record of my attempts to lose weight. I had always been told that keeping a journal of what you eat and how your body changes was a great way to stay on track. I thought that I didn't want to carry a book and pen around with me all the time.

With the invention of the "blog" I thought that might be a better way to journal. I started with a livejournal account and learned what it was like to share your thoughts and feelings online for everyone to read and comment on.

That didn't work out very well.

It's been many years since I had my livejournal account and I find facebook is more than enough online drama for me! From my past experiences I decided that another livejournal account was not the way to go. I'm not sure why I ended up choosing blogger but here I am, blogging away.

Now where was I? Hmmmm...

OH YEAH! This blog started off for weight loss. Sharing my storey with other people just in case it helps someone. Or at the very least entertains someone.

Now I'm more of a healthy body, mind and soul blogger. And lately as I try to become more healthy I have wanted to share my challenges. And now we get to the part about the dilemma. I want to share things with most of the world but not some of the people close to me. I don't want the drama. I know at least one of my close friends reads this blog and there may be others. Some of those others I may want to talk about on my blog. (I don't use names but sometimes that person will just know that I'm talking about them). This is not a place that I will trash people (if it was I'd probably have way more readers!) However my husband may not want everyone in the world know about a fight we had and the details of it.

I feel like it may help me to write about it and it might help someone else to know that they are not alone in what they struggle with.

So what do I do?


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From sleep to sleepless

Not sleeping enough lately and so today I felt in a daze. So tired that after DD went to bed I was falling asleep sitting up on the couch talking to my DH. I don't even recall the topic.

I took my pills for the night and proceeded to lounge on the couch with DH to watch Prison Break on Netflix. About 35-40 minutes later I feel sick. My throat feels 'funny' and I'm belching up foam. I go to the bathroom and I start gagging and throwing up. It was horrible. And I really have to learn to chew my food just a bit more.

DH was wonderful and supportive. I took a shower and threw up some more. Mostly foam but a bit of zuchinni in there. That's what I ate for snack; barbecued zuchinni brushed with garlic butter. It was delicious when it went down.

When I was gagging it caused muscles all over my body to tighten and spasm. I was in so much pain all I could do was cry. And to top it all off, my head is very sore from it all. My oesophagus still feels like I've burned a layer of it off. And it is only now that I am starting to fall asleep again.

At 9:30pm I was already half asleep and at 1am the next day is when I begin the journey to dream land.

I hope they are pleasant dreams for me and all of my readers. Sweet slumbers all.
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I guess they were right.

I'm a worthless cow. I damage every relationship. I cause so much pain.

I feel like the only thing I've done a halfway decent job at is raising my daughter. She's such a loving child so I MUST be doing that right.


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Piss & Shit

I'm pissed off about this shit!

Why is that so offensive? My husband (not DH today as I feel less dear towards him right now) is very upset that I used the term "pissed off" and our daughter told him not to piss Mommy off. Frankly I'm happy that she is defending me; shows her love.

I think that words have become inappropriate in society because people use them inappropriately. Take 'shit' for example. It's a bodily function, I take a shit every day. Used when indicating bad things it has become a bad word. The same thing with 'bitch'; I cannot for the life of me understand why people take such offence when these words are used in the proper context. Saying to a person 'you are a bitch' or 'you little shit' are agreeably vulgar and insulting statements. Though I do not see any reason that my daughter cannot ask if that is a bitch or stud?

I'm emotional today.

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Sleep

I'm so tired all the time. Today is no better than any other day. I don't seem to get enough good sleep at night and then I'm beat the next day.

I have been napping now for over two hours. I'm still tired enough that I could sleep until the sun goes down.

And probably keep on sleeping until the morning.


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A Letter to my Psychiatrist

After the last time I saw my shrink I started to write him a letter.  I last saw him on May 10th, 2013 when I was picking up samples for my husband.  This is the letter that I sent him:

~

I deserve a chance to speak. Since timing is not working well for us I have decided to write it.

In my last appointment with you, my second appointment overall, I felt I was being pressured into changing my medication though I did not want to change anything. I feel better now than I have in a while. I'm more focused, more balanced and I feel more able.

During that appointment you suggested that I begin taking Lithium. A very powerful medication not to be taken lightly. I understand that I am not a doctor however I am experienced with mental illness. I've suffered from it since I was 13 years old, been on many different drugs and tried different therapies. I have been actively trying to lose weight as it effects my emotional state. I think that prescribing lithium to a woman who is clearly overweight on the second time seeing her is just not sound advice.

When I met with you at your hospital clinic location I wanted to explain to you that I did not feel comfortable changing my medication again. I had recently become adjusted to the new medication (Gabapentin) that you prescribed our first meeting. I feel like this is enough for now. I am no longer suicidal, I am sleeping better than I have in years. My husband has noticed a change as well. He says that I have been less grumpy, more positive, more interactive and we both notice the fibro is more manageable. I may be willing to try changing my medication at a later date but this is working for me right now and I want to enjoy life.

It is important to me that you understand something. I have a mental illness and I came to you for help. My emotions are fragile and I am vulnerable. The way you spoke to me made me very upset. After only two appointments you suggested that I return to my family doctor. Your tone was mocking only because I told you that my friends and family agree with me. They like me the way I am, manic highs and all.

There is a crisis in this region. People with mental illness can't seem to get the support they need. One of my closest friends was yelled at by a doctor at the hospital's clinic. She self mutilates and was in the program there. After admitting to cutting the psychiatrist asked in a superior tone, as if addressing a child, “do you think that was an appropriate way to deal with your emotions?” Within the same appointment she ridiculed her patient again with “I'm expected to come to work every day and not cut myself.”

Another person I know had attempted suicide. She overdosed on pills and then cut her own wrists. Prior to this she had seen various people at the hospital. She was found before she died, brought to ICU and when the physical body has healed enough she was admitted to the psych ward. On day passes she would cut herself. She brought items back with her to do it again. She was released too soon, we all knew it. Even she knew it. And she tried again.

Where is the help for us? Why do professionals who are supposed to help us do so little? Or do so much to set us back?

I have had very little success finding someone to treat my mental illness while still treating me with the dignity and respect I am due as a person. I hoped that it would be you. I thought I saw it in you when we first met. I believed you were above the rest.

If you feel you are unable to do these things than I will wish you well and thank you for the gabapentin. Please let me know your decision either way.

~

I dropped it off at his office last night.  I wasn't aware that he was even in however I still left it with reception for him to read at his leisure.

This afternoon I received a call from his receptionist saying that the Doctor would really like to speak with me.  Not that he would like to book my next appointment; he wants to speak with me.

I guess I got his attention.

The sky looks so pretty tonight

I feel....better. My pet rat is with me on the front porch of our building. She is afraid of almost everything so she likes to hide in my shirt and just poke her head out a bit to sniff the air. It's adorable!

The sun has not fully set so the sky is a gradient of blues. My favourite colour is teal which is painting a small part of the sky.

The community outreach worker at the local community centre was so much more helpful than I expected. We hoped we could get help with getting a pair of running shoes for my DD and a couple t-shirts and shorts. She has barely any summer clothes. We ended up with $50 voucher for the goodwill store! And that was just for the clothing. She gave my DH bus tickets, gave us grocery gift cards and a couple vouchers for the neighbourhood market.

I kept my DD out super late for her. I was trying to find shoes for her. Goodwill was amazing! 8 summer bottoms (shorts and skorts and one skirt), 7 tops (tanks and tees) and two dresses. I plan to visit Walmart with her tomorrow to find runners or tennis shoes on sale. At least I'm crossing my fingers.

Being able to get clothes for her made me feel so much better. I hate not being able to provide for my family. It makes me feel worthless. And since Miss Jangles died I've been very depressed.

It's nice to feel a bit better.


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Twice in one day, eh?

My mental/emotional health is what seems to be getting to me right now. My heart is so heavy with the pending euthanasiation of our beloved Miss Jangles. I look around my home and the utter disaster that it seems to be and I feel worse.

I'm tired and all I want to do is sleep. I hurt emotionally and all I want to do is cry. I feel like I am in a dark pit and I can't seem to climb out of it.

I don't know what to do to bring myself up, to make me ok again.
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Plans Change

Today I had goals.  I had plans.  I planned to tidy the kitchen and tackle my area or "office space" since it is a disaster.

It's only 11 am and already I am exhausted.  My DH and I ended up sleeping on the couch last night because it was too hot and muggy in the bedroom to manage.  Our daughter has an air conditioner in her room and we have one in the living room.  I slept alright, same as usual I guess.  But I was up late cuddling my pet rat who is dying.  She is in pain sometimes, so we have to have her put to sleep.  It's been a hard couple days for us.

I am babysitting a friend of my DD today.  I told them that I would take them swimming this afternoon.  I'm just so tired.  My DD is being really cranky.  I hate it when she acts like this.  Complaining that she is too cold when sitting in front of the AC unit!  Of course you are cold, go somewhere else.  It seems she completely lacks common sense.  I am given to understand that it is an aspie trait.

I hope my husband will understand when he gets home.  I hope that he wont be too upset that everything didn't get done.  I'm tired and sore and cranky.  I need a nap!

Critical Level Pain

One step up from where I am right now would be when I was in labour.

Fire, stabbing, throbbing.

Dear Gods please show mercy.


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How can I stay positive?

I've had a lot of things get better lately. I know there is work coming, I found a good samaritan to fix my car, we were going to spend the day at Riverside Park for the Canada Day celebration. A mass of free activities for the kids. We even brought the mini bbq and some hot dogs. And our friends.

And now my car is pouring transmission fluid all over the gas station parking lot. We had a few issues getting here and I figured that I didn't put enough fluid in. I had lost a lot of fluid after all. But after sending everyone off to the parade while I bought more fluid and filled the car up., I looked under the car and saw the fluid rapidly draining from under the car.

My cousin is amazing and I should be getting a tow soonish. But I'm going to miss everything at the park. We can't tell our daughter that the car is broken so she has to miss out. So she is still at the park with my DH and our friend (along with his son). Things are not as desperate as they could be. Everything will work out alright. But that doesn't stop me from shaking with panic and bursting into tears.

And transmission fluid stinks. :(
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