No clue what to do

DD, no food in your bedroom.  If you bring food into your bedroom you will be punished (punishment changes regularly as one thing doesn't work so we move on to something more serious for her).  You brought that food into your room so you have to clean it up.  She is now 10 years old.  When she is in a good mood she will wash, dry and put away small amounts of dishes.  She will sweep the kitchen, clean the neighbours cat litter, clean the pet cage, hold with laundry.  There are so many things she will do when she feels like it.  But today wasn't one of the good days.  She was asked to clean up the food in her room and she has a complete meltdown.  She nearly makes herself sick with her episodes.
So what are you supposed to do in times like this?  When my daughter is screaming at the top of her lungs, refusing to do anything that is asked of her including (but certainly not limited to) drinking some water, wiping herself after using the bathroom, brushing her teeth or putting a piece of old bagel into the garbage.  What EXACTLY am I supposed to do?  Because staying calm is getting harder every day.  Because closing her door and letting her scream and pound the shit out of it isn't working.  Telling her this behavior isn't acceptable isn't working!  How much can we take of this before we just give up?

Gluten Free - more or less

I went about 4 or so months 100% gluten free.  Since I'm not celliac I don't have to worry about cross contamination that much (I did find out that if I cook eggs in the same frying pan as I just cooked a loaf of wheat bread french toast I get stomach cramps) so I don't worry about buying the oats that are certified gluten free.

Anyway, after a good time off of it I was bad and I ate a large portion of lasagna.  It was an alfredo chicken one and cold at the time.  It was also totally awesome.  I was over emotional that day and no one was around to stop me.  I regretted it for the rest of the weekend.  My stomach felt awful and I got a bit of heartburn as well.  Every once in a while since then I take a bite of something with gluten in it.  Bread, muffin, bagel; a bite doesn't cause any serious issue for me.  Sometimes heartburn or a bit of bloating.  But one thing I have noticed was that the flavour just isn't the same any more.  I actually don't like it.  I don't know what it is but it just tastes wrong.

I have a few recipes that I'm going to share eventually because I love them and they are super easy to make.  But one thing that I am not too fond of so far is the Robin Hood flour blend.  I find it gives the end products a grainy texture I don't get with a simple white rice/corn starch blend.  But before I get around to posting the recipes I will leave you with some gluten free things that I have found tasty over the last months.

Dempsters Gluten Zero Whole Grain bread.  OH MY GAWD!  That stuff makes the best gluten free toast I have had, and I have tried a lot.  Toast is one thing I do not like to live without and now I don't have to!

Wild Roots Tortilla chips with kale and flax.  If anyone knows where I can buy these I would be very grateful.  They used to sell them at my local Costco but they no longer carry them.  I considered cancelling my membership over it those things are so freaking good!  Even my super picky daughter loved them.  She'd do chores just to be allowed to eat a few!

Cheetos Crunchies.  Did you know they are gluten free?  Mmmmmmm....so bad for me but still so good!

Back from the depths of despair

In other words, I finally cleaned my disaster of an office, dug out my laptop and am ready to dive into the blogging world again.

YAY!

So much has happened and I hope to touch on some of them at a later time.  For now I must keep this short.  I have an injured finger that makes typing very difficult.

I am now nearly at the -50lbs mark!  that's right, I have lost a total of 45lbs since I started this blog.  I've had a lot of ups and downs but I am happy to be back on track. It was the end of July 2014 that I made the decision to go gluten free and I have more or less stayed that way.  I'll talk more about that later as well.

Spiritually speaking I am moving forward.  It's slow right now but it is the right direction.

My DD is growing up and learning more.  I feel like we have made some progress with her.  My DH is amazing.  So much has happened with us and we are stronger than ever!

Namaste

Kraft Dinner is a succubus

Evil temptress! KD is not gluten free.  This makes me sad.  DD wanted it for dinner tonight since she hasn't had it in a while. I wanted it so very badly. I had this urge to shove her out of her chair and put the bowl of delicious cheesy noodles into my mouth. Screw the spoon! Fling the fork! This craving was a primal urge I could feel tingling all over my body.

Damnit I want gluten!!!!

Gluten free for 2 days.

Today marks day 6 of my attempt at detoxing my body from gluten. I think it will help some of my health issues and it is definitely worth trying if I can manage it.  Last time I lasted 3 days before I was hating myself. Not having my pasta and toast and crackers makes me grumpy.

This is day two being completely gluten free. The first 4 days was a slow reduction in gluten. Now I'm free of it. How long can I make it?

Computer issues: posting via phone

I'm using a talk to text application in order to post this because on my phone it is very difficult to type. And I am too exhausted to be able to even sit at a computer and type right now, my eyes aren't even open.
I am utterly and completely exhausted. When I try to stand up and walk very shaky and I I feel like I'm going to fall over like my knees will give way and Iegs will buckle. someone asked me today if I think it is my depression or the fibro that is making me so tired. And I questioned that myself because depression and exhaustion go hand in hand. But I want to get up and I want to do things around the house and I want to look for work. I think if it was a depression making me sleepy and wanting me and bad that I wouldn't want to do anything else. I've been there before.

A little peice of my mind

I bent over to get out a garbage bag from under the sink despite how much pain my back is in.  The pain and swelling in my arm goes up and down depending on how much I use the muscles.  My back just all of a sudden got the familiar sharp stabbing pain on the right side.

Anyway, I got out the garbage bag and started to tidy up the kitchen, tossing the rubbish in the bag meaning to move on to something else after that was done.  I left the garbage bag on the recycling bin near the door so I wouldn't need to bend over for it.

A few minutes ago I had made a snack for me to eat.  I planned to take my detox herbs when I was done.  I see some garbage that I missed and tossed it away.

The dish rack looks really dirty and I should clean it.  I moved on to putting away the few dishes that were still in the rack, some I had to put on the table in a pile because I can't reach the cupboards where they belong.

I see the snack I made sitting on the table and snatch it up.  I gobble it up and pull the juice out of the fridge.  I head off to the bathroom...potty break....!

The hall closet is open when I get out and I remember the dirty dish rack.  I sift through the cleaners on the shelf and settle on one.  I go to the kitchen to grab the dish rack, put it in the bottom of the tub and spray it with a good cleaner.

I put the cleaner back in the closet on my way to the kitchen to start getting the dishes ready to clean, or at least rinse.  When I get into the kitchen I see the juice container with the cap off sitting on the table waiting for a cup.  I had completely forgotten to take out a cup and take a pill.

When I say that I am losing my mind I am not being facetious.

Night time with an ADHD-Aspie-Gifted-Pubesent daughter

GO AWAY!
DD was very against me going into her bedroom as we were preparing her for bed tonight.  This, of course, makes my mommy-sense tingle.  I went into her room wondering what I would find and saw that a sweater was on the floor trying to cover up some water spill.  She is not allowed to have food or drink in her bedroom.  There is a bottle of water or a cup on the bathroom counter for her if she needs a drink in the night.   She leaped onto her bed and curled up over her pillow.  *tingle, tingle*  I got DH to pick her up to give her a big hug while I snuck in for the search.  Sure enough, in her pillow case, was a little stash of contraband.  A few toys that were supposed to be put away, a whole bunch of little plastic pieces of a toy that she had taken apart and collected the shiny bits like a raven and the thing she really didn't want us to know about; the chocolate bar wrapper.  Now found out she screams for us to get away from her, to go away and to shut up.  (Yes, we let her get away with saying that.)

DON'T YOU DARE PUT MUSIC ON!
Our coping is to put music on, walk outside or medicate.  If we go outside lately she starts to panic and scream and cry.  She has serious abandonment issues, too many of the peripheral people in her life have left her.  DH picked up the remote and quietly told me he was going to put music on, confirming that I was okay with that.  That was when her screaming became actual words.  "Don't you DARE put music on!"  She does that 'don't you DARE' stuff a lot. As soon as the sound came on the screaming got much worse.  I explained to my DH that she has snapped and completely lost control of herself.  She has gone from our DD to our AUTISTIC DD and the music is making it worse.  It's overstimulating the child that has snapped because she was overwhelmed already.  He agreed, turned it off and let me know he was going to close her bedroom door though.  It is standard here that if you keep screaming you will have to have your door closed.

OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!
DH reminded her if she kept screaming her door would need to be closed.  She kept screaming at him to leave her alone and just be quiet.  And this time, she did say 'be quiet' since last time there was no reaction to 'shut up'.  Don't you dare close my door came next, shortly after the door closed there was the banging and screaming and kicking.  Then something different happened; she started to panic.  She started to cry out that she was scared and DH opened the door.  She lunged into his arms and clung to him crying.  She kept saying that she doesn't want to be alone.  She is scared to be alone.  When the door closes she is too alone.

After a bit of snuggles she climbed into her bed and under the covers, meltdown over, she's reading a book before lights out.

This used to be a regular night for us.  Years ago when we did not have the knowledge that we have now.  Except it used to be a lot worse.  The screaming would go on for at least half an hour, we would scream at her and each other.  Sometimes there would be spankings, objects hurling, holes in walls, broken doors.  There were times that I didn't think that we would last.  What marriage can persevere through this? Was a regular thought.  I thought my daughter would never succeed in life because I was not a good enough parent to teach her respect.  I worried that she would grow up to be a selfish bitch that no one really liked.  I don't anymore.  I know she will be an amazing woman because she has grown into an amazing girl.

Not getting poked by the Wang.

A local Chinese MD & acupuncturist is Dr Wang, I'm a new patient of his.  Taking steps to make my body healthier I called him this weekend and booked an appointment for this morning.  I like him.  He's got a nice firm handshake.  He is concerned with my health and has started me on a herbal concoction for the next week to detox my body.  He said I am very toxic and my organs do not work properly.  My tongue is very healthy though, LOL.  He is billing everything under acupuncture treatment because my insurance covers acupuncture.  He also have me 60% off of my assessment.  YAY!  it will be interesting to see if I feel any different after the first week of Chinese Herbal Medicine.

Weight Loss

I forgot to update when I reached another goal; 25 pounds have been lost so far!  I had to buy new pants because none of mine fit anymore.  My wedding ring is loose too.  I'm excited!

Short Update

Hello everyone.  I'm alive and unwell.

After having the cryoablation on my cervix a couple weeks ago I caught a cold.

I'm tired and not up for much of anything so the blogging has been slow.  Sorry.

Medical Update

This might be a bit too much for some, so be warned.

Yesterday I had day surgery, cervical cryoablation.  There was no anesthetic though, and with the fibro the pain kept getting worse well past the time the doctor said it should have leveled out.  Dealing with the after effects of this procedure is not something I want to go  into too much detail about.  Lets just say....ewwww....and leave it at that.

It was before the doctor went in that I learned something new.  His prognosis; PCOS.  That is the abbreviation for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome.  I feel like I might be some nefarious higher powers' beta test.  How much can one woman handle?  How many things can I load onto her before she breaks?

The list so far:
Depression (multiple kinds I've been told)
Anxiety
IBS
Fibromyalgia
Knock Knees
Arthritis
Acid Reflux
Extreme Light Sensitive
Chronic Post Nasal Drip
Tinnitus
ADHD
Headaches/Migraines
Costochondritis
Hemroids
and welcome PCOS!

The sad thing is that this is by no means a complete list of the "issues" with my body medically.  They are simply the ones that are basically separate medical conditions of their own.

Fantastic Man

I married the most wonderful man. Sometimes he doesn't show it but today he screamed it out with his actions.
I spent the day out with a dear friend whom I have missed spending time with. We went to lunch, did some window shopping and relaxed at her home while petting dogs and cats.
When I got home I was surprised to find most of our laundry done, most of the dishes cleaned and a generally clean and tidy home. That was an amazing feeling. I'm so grateful for his unwavering support. He does so much for us, even have the kiddo a bath.
And the biggest relief for me was the cage for our recently departed pet rat had been dismantled, cleaned and disposed of so that I did not have to see it around anymore.
I'm feeling lucky today!

Depression Sucks

I look around me at the mess and I have no will to do anything about it. I've been sad and tense all day and now the one thing that was making me feel better has fallen through.
I was invited to a gathering of people from DH's work and I was really looking forward to going. Had a shower and got dressed in a nice shirt and jeans (hubby loves me in jeans). Even did my hair nice and put on make up.  That's a lot for me, it takes spoons to do all of that and I tend to be greedy with my spoons when I have them. It's how I've survived.
Went to start my car and it seemed to be okay, a little stiff to turn but then okay and then stiff again. The snow was holding little half frozen puddles of fluid from my car. I'm assuming it's power steering fluid. Which is funny since I just had the power steering repaired a couple weeks ago.
I'm so stressed out with this dammed car!

Enrichment

The process of getting my child into enrichment programming is convoluted and I barely understand it. Last year she didn't get any time to meet with the enrichment teacher that goes from school to school.  She's not assigned to only one school she has several. I think she may have been introduced but nothing more. My DD did get access to the blog for the program.  That was apparently the first step.
Step two happened this week when my DD was officially put on the verbal list (something that happens at the  enrichment meeting that happens once a month and seems very important) for this programs next step. If accepted, she will attend a completely different school one day a week and have classes there with other gifted children her age.
Next step is after she is in THAT program for a while and the teachers there get a chance to know her better then she can be put forward for the full enrichment program.  And that is what we are working so hard for.  She's such an amazing person.

Healthy Snacking

I had been on the lookout for an easy to make granola bar recipe for a very long time.  Granola bars are a staple in my home and my family gobbles them up quicker than I can buy them! I'm so glad I found this very easy and very flexible granola bar recipe.   Healthy Easy No-Bake Granola Bars
Ingredients:
1/4	cup	peanut butter (or no-nut butter)
1/4	cup	honey
1&1/2	cups	quick oats
1	cup	dates (or sultana raisins)
1-2	cups	Other Stuff
Other Stuff (suggestions):
Nuts of your choice
Cranberries
Pre-mixed granola (this will make a slightly more crumbly bar)
Chocolate chips
Sunflower Seeds
Pepitas
Cinnamon
Mini Marshmellows
Flax Seed
Hemp Seed
Vanilla Extract
Instructions:
Put dates (raisins) in a blender/food processor and chop until ball forms (about
one minute) and set into bowl.
Add oats and "other stuff" to bowl and set aside.
Heat peanut butter and honey in saucepan until combined and warm.
Pour mixture over ingredients in the bowl and mix well.
Press into 8"x8" wax paper lined pan and put in the fridge/freezer for about
15 minutes.
Cut into bars and enjoy, keep all leftovers refrigerated!
Originally from :  The Minimalist Baker
My version is slightly different

Just like most days

This morning was nice, I got to sleep in until about 11:30. I went to bed at a decent enough time so despite my usual frequent waking up and tossing and turning I was able to get more rest than I usually do. When I finally got out of bed I wasn't in as much pain as I normally am in the mornings. Also not nearly as stiff.
There wasn't much different this morning from any other morning; bathroom, make coffee, pet rat, talk to family, bathroom again. I ran a bath for my daughter, watched something on Netflix, brushed my daughters hair, spent 15 minutes tidying in the kitchen, made myself something to eat and ate it, and spent about about 5 more minutes cleaning up. I drink a little bit of water too. After only three and a half hours out of bad and very minor things done, I am back in bed again lying down. I'm tired, my ankle is very sore, my legs are stuff, and I'm a little dizzy.  But truly this isn't much different than any other day. With the exception of when I'm working, like next week and last week, I have no choice but to push myself further. Even if that means later on I will crash, and my pain will be much worse. I have no choice because I have a family to take care of, it's not just about me.

Not Enough Spoons

For those of you that have no idea what I am referring to, please read about The Spoon Theory.

My DH was right.  And he will rejoice to see this in print and for the entire world to read.  He is rarely right, after all, so it is cause for celebration. *giggles* This morning he texted me to advise against going anywhere.  He plainly said that I did not have enough spoons to clear off the car.  I relaxed and ate and was able to recoup another spoon so I bundled up and headed out to do some errands.

Bad idea.

My stubbornness would not allow me to just give up so I struggled to get the car cleared off and then I drove it over to appointment number one.  Before I even got there I decided that nothing was worth driving around in this, I had a hard enough time getting out of my own driveway, could only go about 20-30kph the whole trip there and got stuck once I found the right place.  So I headed home right after the appointment worrying about how my husband was going to fare in these conditions.  He works in another city and the transit is not pleasant.  He has to walk about 30 minutes just to get to the bus stop.  And I worry about my daughter walking home from school in this weather, and I worry about not getting the errands done that I wanted to.  With all this worrying I developed a panic attack.

To make matters worse I have a very sore arm that sends sharp pains all over it when I move it most ways.  I also cannot hold anything substantial in my right hand due to pain and weakness.  Not even my glass of water.

So my spoons have depleted to nearly gone by getting clothes on, clearing my car off, driving to an appointment, driving back and getting comfortable clothes back on. (PS they are called pj's) Oh, and the panic attack took away a couple spoons too.

Did I mention that I hate it when he's right?

The Effects of Acupressure

Yesterday I spoke of meeting an amazing woman named Yuumi (who has a blog, btw.) and getting my very first acupressure massage.  It was great.  And after an early night to bed (asleep by 9:30pm) and a later wake up (just after 8am) I already feel different.  I massaged my hand, a reflex of habit now, to find that the tension building there since early October has drastically reduced.  I also feel as if the treatment has begun to open me up to new levels of understanding myself.  I shocked myself with a revelation about my childhood over coffee with my DH this morning.  Not something I will go into here however I am going to put it somewhere private until I feel ready to share it.

So, this one's for Yuumi.

The day of Amazing People

Today started well enough, woke up and had a cup of coffee.  I went to bed at about 10pm last night and got to sleep in until 8am.  DH slept on the couch (fell asleep watching a movie again) so it was a bit lonely in that bed by myself.  I let him know how I felt and he's going to try to come to bed with me and not sleep on the couch.  I think it is important in our healing relationship that we sleep together, hug more and talk openly about exactly how we feel.  It's not easy after the betrayal that I have felt however I am willing to try.  He is a good man and he does take good care of me.  He can be an amazing person.

I took my DD to pick up my amazing friend PC and her son DC.  DC and my DD have similar "issues" and they are very close in age.  We hoped that they would get along well and we got our wish.  They played together very well and frankly much calmer than my DD plays with other friends or on her own.  We drove to Tim Horton's before going to the downtown market because one coffee is just not enough for PC.  At the market we met a young woman from China going to university locally.  She made jewelry with traditional Chinese braiding and hand painted ceramics.  To say they were beautiful or that she is talented would be an understatement.  She is amazing.

One of my favourite amazing people has a table at the market and I love to visit and chat with her. Her name is Ashley Hanna and she is the owner/founder/creator of Hanna-Made-Soaps.  I approached her table and asked her for her recommendation for a soap that my husband and I could use.  In Toronto we had a lady that sold us "black soap" for our skin "issues" and we wanted to find something similar after we moved away and couldn't order for delivery.  She gave me a suggestion along with a free sample and we were hooked.  I love her products, and being a small business woman myself I do what I can to help spread the word of her fabulous products.  I had a short chat with her today and picked up a sample of soap made solely with olive oil to have my DH try along with a chocolate scented one that I cannot wait to try out!

The market here has the best egg vendor in the area.  At OK Egg Farms they sell grade B eggs 2.5 dozen for $5.50!  The owner there told me that I was welcome to come on out to the farm any day to buy eggs there if I can't make it to the market.  I always get disappointed when I can't get to the market to buy my yummy fresh eggs.  She gave me a map and pointed out exactly where to go and what highway to take to get there.  Amazing.

Coming out of the market to a mess of white and brown was not very pleasant however we safely arrived at our next destination: my home, to drop off our market shopping and pick up the Groupon that my DH had given me for Christmas.  I was going to be late since the roads were horrendous so my DH called in advance, leaving a message and hoping it got through to her.  I headed over to drop off PC, DC and my DD at PC's house and was on my way to my very first Acupressure Massage.

Atlas Yoga Studio is a warm and inviting place.  There are comfy couches to lounge while awaiting your class or service.  There is a large open space that can be transformed to fit all the needs of the studio staff.  This is where I met the most amazing woman I have met in a very long time.  Her name is Yuumi and she is certified in Five Elements Acupressure, Foot Reflexology and Thai Yoga Massage.  She is in training to be a yoga instructor as well.  She was kind to wait almost 45 minutes for me to finally show up and even kinder to work a little extra long with me due to the severity of my concerns.  In such a small amount of time she was able to begin to release the emotional stress that has debilitated my body, mind and soul.  She explained to me that my Muladhara (Root) chakra is depleted and most likely has been all of my life.  The trauma that I had experienced in my formative years had taken the feeling of safety and stability.  You hear about people having "Daddy issues" all the time on television, I have "Mommy issues".  I didn't have a loving and nurturing mother, I did not feel safe.  And as an infant that must have been frightening.  I was given the task of facing my childhood.  To look at the horrors that I faced then and let them go.  It is how I will heal.

I was invited to come back for a yoga class when I am able to join them.  I am excited for this chance as I feel so powerfully about Yuumi and the work that she does.  I hope to see her many more times along this journey of mine.