Anxiety Overload

In hiding in the bathroom at my temp job.  My anxiety has been very bad all day but I've just been toughing it out. I don't want it to control my whole life.  We need the money I'm going to bring in here to catch up on things and maybe get a little ahead.
I don't like the company and the office is so cold it's triggering my body wide pain.  My legs and feet at the coldest so they hurt first and most.  Along with my right hand/wrist.
They want me to file and key orders in. I'm so light headed I feel a bit nauseous.
I need something that will allow me to calm my heart rate and defog my brain.

Good morning?

Woke up this morning in body wide pain. Headache, nausea, a bit of vertigo.  How do I explain this to my new employer? How can I expect him to keep me on if my attendance is horrible and this is only week two?

I was at the doctor yesterday and she told me that she will not give anything stronger than naproxen. Did I mention that it does nothing for me?  At least I was referred to a specialist.

Progress?

His morning was not great to start with.  DD was screaming at us for no apparent reason before we even got up.  We asked her to go calm down in her room and read for a bit.  OH! Now I recall.  It was about her toys, she wanted to play with them.  We said she could after she is done her morning routine. That's what started the screaming fit.
Anyway, after about 25 minutes she came out of her room, hugged us both and said she was sorry for treating us so badly.  She even made her bed this morning.
Yay!

Anxiety is growing

I don't know what to do.  Things seemed to be going well and then this morning that changed.  Something happened again and I am so upset, so sick to my stomach, that I would go home for the day if I was not needed this afternoon fairly badly.

I tried taking a lorazapan, that didn't work.  I tried eating chocolate and that calmed me a tiny bit as I was eating it however it didn't have any lasting effect.

I tried talking to someone this morning that usually helps me feel better but that didn't really work either.  This is a problem that has been going on for years and I keep thinking it will get better, hoping that it will get better.  Now I am left to wonder if it will ever get better.  And what do I do with that information?

On my way

Soon I will be on my way to work.  I picked up a temporary contract for a payroll administrator while the current lady goes in for surgery and recovers.  I'm nervous, always am first day of new jobs. This will be very good financially as well it will be a great test to see if I really can handle working full time.
DH had been supportive and has agreed to help with dishes every night. We will trade of who washes and who dries so that we don't get in a rut and bitter.
Dinner is in the slow cooker, just need to make rice when I get home.
I'm tired and my heart is racing, but I'm ready.

Disasters

Life is filled with disasters.  As much as anyone would like to stay positive and say it does not happen as much as I am implying, it would just not be true.  Certainly not every disaster affects every person but there can be no denying that the world is full of them.

My life seems to be filled with one disaster after another with barely a pause in between.  I am trying to resolve them, find ways to cope with them or if I can manage it, to avoid them.  So tonight we clear out the toys from DD's bedroom and they will be stored in a closet in the hallway.  No more dumping all of the toys all over the bedroom and not cleaning them up before moving on to a new toy.  This will be treated like a library where she must sign out items with Mommy or Daddy.  She must put the other items neatly back in their places before getting any more out.

My hope is that we can have the added benefit of all distractions being in this closet (except for books) so that she will have nothing to do when sent to her room for a time out, or to tidy it.  She will have the option to read and that is all.

In my recent down mood I have been lax on her and not demanded that her routine be completed.  She still does not get electronic time or play dates because of it.  But I will not be letting her just spend the day playing in her room all day when she has responsibilities.  She wants us to do everything for her.  She expects us to wait on her hand and foot.  It will not happen.  She is now nine years old, she can make her own sandwiches and pour her own milk.  She has some "issues" but those things are things she has been able to do for a couple years at least!

Anyway, I'm done my little rant.  I expect by now that DH has put the heavy item up and away for me by now and I can continue my attack on the disasters that have been laying claim to my home.

Like taking a good crap and getting a good night's sleep will fix every *bleep*ing thing!!!

1. No, I don't look sick.  But I am.
2. Yes, everybody does get tired. But not completely and overwhelmingly exhausted.
3. Oh yes, mid thirties.  All of a sudden I understand why I have been suffering for years...I'm old now.
4. Get out more?  And do what exactly?  How will leaving my home more help me?
5. You did NOT just say that!?!

I saw this picture on FaceBook earlier today.  I shared it in hopes that others will actually read it and remember it the next time that they think to talk to me about my illness.  Number five is the one that I have the biggest problem with.  As if I have never thought about trying to lose weight?

People look at me and see an overweight woman, some people think I just eat too much junk food or drink to much soda.  It's not that easy.  Do you know what it is like to have this debilitating disease?  I do.  And I tell you now that I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  The kind of pain it has caused me should be reserved for evil people in the deepest part of hell.

I barely sleep at night, I am tired all day.  Sometimes my brain is so filled with cotton that I cannot remember my name or birthday.  Some days the pain is so bad that I can't handle the touch of my pants on my legs.  And yet I get out of bed in the mornings, get my daughter ready for school and help my husband prepare for work.  Soon I will be working again and I will be getting myself ready for a full work day.  I cook, sometimes clean, work/look for work, grocery shop, go to appointments and everything else any other adult does.

I have found a list of symptoms that are common with Fibromyalgia (FM) on About.com and you can see the full article and list by clicking here.  Below I have included the symptoms that I have from the list.  Until you have felt all of this, don't judge me or my life.

FIBROMYALGIA SYMPTOMS CHECKLIST

General Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Delayed reactions to physical exertion or stressful events
• Sweats
• Unexplained weight gain or loss
• Cravings for carbohydrate and chocolate
• Headaches & migraines
• Vision changes, including rapidly worsening vision

Muscle & Tissue-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Pain that ranges from mild to severe, and may move around the body (See The 7 Types of Fibromyalgia Pain)
• Morning stiffness
• Muscle twitches
• Diffuse swelling
• Fibrocystic (lumpy, tender) breasts (as an overlapping condition)

Sinus & Allergy-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Allergies
• Post nasal drip
• Runny nose
• Mold & yeast sensitivity
• Shortness of breath
• Earaches & itchy ears
• Ringing ears (tinitis)
• Thick secretions

Sleep-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Light and/or broken sleep pattern with unrefreshing sleep
• Fatigue
• Sleep starts (falling sensations)
• Twitchy muscles at night
• Teeth grinding (bruxism)

Reproductive Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Menstrual problems
• PMS (as an overlapping condition)
• Loss of libido
• Impotence

Abdominal & Digestive Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Bloating & nausea
• Abdominal cramps
• Pelvic pain
• Irritable bowel syndrome (as an overlapping condition)

Cognitive/Neurological Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Difficulty speaking known words, other language impairments (dysphasia)
• Directional disorientation
• Poor balance and coordination
• Paresthesias in the upper limbs (tingling or burning sensations)
• Short-term memory impairment
• Confusion
• Trouble concentrating
• Staring into space before brain "kicks in"

Sensory Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Sensitivity to odors
• Sensitivity to pressure changes, temperature & humidity
• Sensitivity to light
• Sensitivity to noises
• Sensory overload

Emotional Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Panic attacks
• Depression (as an overlapping condition)
• Tendency to cry easily
• Free-floating anxiety (not associated with situation or object)
• Mood swings
• Unaccountable irritability

Heart-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Rapid, fluttery, irregular heartbeat
• Pain that mimics heart attack, frequently from costochondritis (as an overlapping condition)

Skin, Hair & Nail-Related Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Pronounced nail ridges
• Mottled skin
• Bruising or scarring easily
• Tissue overgrowth (non-cancerous tumours called lipomas, ingrown hairs, heavy and splitting cuticles, adhesions)

Miscellaneous Fibromyalgia Symptoms

• Hemorrhoids
• Nose bleeds 

When it rains, it pours.

It's after 2:30 in the morning and I'm still awake. My heart feels like it's ready to burst out of my chest,  but it's also fluttering. I've taken 15 milligrams of melatonin and my evening medication. I tried lying on my back supporting my neck; everything feels like it's shaking inside.
I'm so tired, but I can't seem to keep my eyes closed. I'm so restless my movements are jerky. I toss and turn, I even shake a little.  I have found myself making the small involuntary movements that I do in a serious panic attack. Where my arm starts to jerk or spasm, but I can't control it, I can't stop it. The best I'm able to do is to channel the involuntary movements to another part of my body. So I go from moving my arm sporadically to opening and closing my fist repeatedly. Or sometimes I just start tapping something over and over again.
I'm so very tired of being so tired.
My car broke down, child support is overdue and we are very broke. I have the flu, my pet rat is hurt and we have no way of treating her. I don't even have enough to get infant Advil for her pain and swelling.
My DD is still pushing her limits; welcome to puberty! And I'm not sure if I can give her what she needs.  I'm supposed to be teaching her how to manage her emotions, how to be a responsible person. How can I do that for her when I can rarely do it for myself?
My DH struggles with more than his share of problems. Mental illness is a constant companion in this home. And on top of his own issues he has to deal with a wife who is always ill and a stepdaughter that always pushes his buttons. Are we really equipped to deal with her?

What's been going on

To start I'm going to apologize. I'm using a function on my new cell phone where I can speak into the phone and it types for me. I'm not sure how it will work out. But it's worth a try. 
My right arm is getting worse. Its always swollen up, and almost always in pain. Usually the pain is sharp in the elbow area. Right now I am lying on the couch, with a freezer pack thing, I think it's supposed to be for lunches or something, on the back of my neck. My head is pounding and nothing I have done so far seems to work. 
The 30th of December was the last time that we had heat in our apartment. Over the night at some point the furnace stopped working. When we woke up on the 31st, we were freezing.  We had planned on spending the night with family out of town , so it wasn't a big deal that we didn't have heat. After a great night away and lots of fun with my cousins, we found out on the first that there still was no heat.
We stayed another night at my cousins house. They were great. And we enjoy spending time with our family. But we really wanted our own home back. It was too far for my husband to commute to work, so we asked another friend in town if we could stay at their place.
So we packed up some things at our house and headed over to my nice friend's warm house.
Now this was our third night, I think, that we were sleeping on other people's couches.
Okay my head hurts too much to keep this up. I will sum it up quick. Daughter slept over at a friends house last night, hobby & I stayed at home on our own couches. heat is still not on in the building, but the space heaters are helping to keep our own apartment at a decent temperature.
Okay, time to take more Tylenol.