Pass it to the left

Something that I have not written about so far is my personal feelings on the use of marijuana.  Today I change that.

When I was in my teens I tried pot for the first time.  I was living in a woman's shelter and it was a boyfriend that gave it to me, a bunch of us sitting around in a basement.  I guess that seems to be the typical way for teens to smoke.  I remember very little about it, only that I was fascinated by the key around another girl's neck.  I just kept staring at it.

It was a few years later that I tried it again, not good stuff at all.  All it did was give me a headache.  It was a few more years again before I tried it again.  That was in my very early twenties and with my boyfriend and his friends and even his younger brother.  We smoked about every weekend and sometimes during the week at night.  I worked full time and I supported two other adults.  I didn't have the money to spend on it so what I had was what was shared.

It didn't last long; the relationship or the weed.  Few years down the road and I started again.  At first it was just every once in a while for fun.  I liked the way it made me feel and I DIDN'T like the way alcohol did.  It was the better choice for me.  After a while I realized that the marijuana was helping me.  My pain was easier to handle and it brought my anxiety down a couple notches.

It's been about 3.5 years now since I started smoking pot for something other than recreational use.  In fact, I rarely smoke for the fun of getting high anymore.  If I could find the strain that allows for pain relief without the effect it has on my brain then I'd be a lot happier about it.  As the years go by my pain gets worse and nothing the doctors have ever given me have done any good.  I'm tired of being in pain all the time.

Most of the time I push myself through the day without anything to take the edge off the pain.  I need to drive places and do things that require as clear of a head as I can manage.  So in the evening when the child is in bed I light one up and let the pain melt away. 

In case you didn't catch the message; I'm pro legalization!

About a year ago

I wrote this on another blog and wanted to share it on this one.

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Tuesday, 19 June 2012

On the radio today I was listening to a talk show about immigrants.  He was an immigrant in the USA when he lived there and now his wife and children are technically immigrants now since they live in Canada.  Apparently there is a new report saying how much the government spends on immigrant and how little they put back into the economy since typically they end up being in positions that pay little different than minimum wage or are unemployed.

Here is a link to an article about it:

Recent immigrants cost taxpayers $16B

Well I was on hold for a while to talk to the host about it.  I don't know a lot about immigration and the statistics mentioned, but I do know that a high percentage of immigrants come and take very low paying jobs.  I know that because I have been in those jobs most of my life and worked with high percentage of immigrants.  Please don't get the wrong idea about this, I am pro immigration.  I don't feel like immigrants are stealing the jobs of hard working Canadians.  In fact, I know this to be untrue.  Just ask half the people working in sweat shop style call centers selling newspapers.  I met a wonderful lady who spoke fluent English, she was a surgeon in South America and she came to Canada for a better life. She was working in a Directory Assistance call center.  Dial 411 and speak to a doctor to find out the local taxi number.  In Canada she had to go back to school to become a doctor here.  She would have to start out as if she just graduated high school.  She couldn't afford to go through all of that schooling again. 

At a time where we need so many medical professionals we are turning them away?  I think there are many things that are wrong with the Canadian Immigration Agency, but putting more money into helping these people get crappy jobs is not going to help at all.

 

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Warning: The following post may contain foul language.

A couple days after Christmas, which was almost cancelled on her, and she's not any different then before.  Maybe she is just getting worse.  I took her out to breakfast this morning, she had chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate milk.  After that we went to the local bead store where I gave her $3 to spend on beads for herself.  She found some great items and got some great ideas.  Then when we get home it's all bitch, whine and complain.  We had to walk across the street to get to the mail box and check it; in the winter it goes to a community mail box and I only check it once every few days.  She asked me to carry her bag because she didn't have mittens.  Okay, no problem.  Then as we are walking across the street she nearly walks in front of a car and I pull her out of the way.  She screams at me.  Now she has slush in her boot and it's my fault.  "It's cold outside, waaaaahhhhh!" No fucking way?  Really?  I thought it was hot out here!  I mean, why else would I have a thick coat and mittens on?

I'm not sure how much longer I can handle her.  It's like she is getting more rude every day.  WebMD has a list of symptoms of Oppositional Defiance Disorder and there are only two things on this list that do not apply to DD.

Symptoms of ODD may include:

• Throwing repeated temper tantrums
• Excessively arguing with adults
• Actively refusing to comply with requests and rules
• Deliberately trying to annoy or upset others, or being easily annoyed by others
• Blaming others for your mistakes
• Having frequent outbursts of anger and resentment
• Being spiteful and seeking revenge We haven't noticed this behavior as of yet.
• Swearing or using obscene language  She doesn't swear.  She is very offended by foul language.
• Saying mean and hateful things when upset

And these are things that are every day nearly all day with her.  Not like it's once in a while or even one thing a day.  She does everything on this list every day!  I just don't know what to do anymore.  We have enough issues in our life without this on top of it all.

View the WebMD article on ODD.

We need more space!

I think a lot of the conflict that happens in my home could be resolved with more space.
We are confined to one livingroom and two bedrooms for the three of us. I know that's more than some have and we are very lucky to have the size of place we do have. However I can't help but think that we could make very good use or at least one other room and a basement.
A house. Wow, I miss my townhouse. I'd love to still be in a decent sized house. Finished basement. *dreamy eyes*
Three bedrooms, separate dining room (or at least dining area) and a finished basement. At least 1.5 bathrooms.
So, if you read this please send positive thoughts my way. After the 26th I hope to hear back about a potential career opportunity. Not just a job, a place I can retire at. *dreamy eyes* A real career. *sigh*
Oh, and happy holidays to everyone. No matter what you celebrate I hope it's wonderful!

Here's how the last few days have panned out.

At night I map out the next day. Things I plan to do and get done. The last week has been no different except that most of what I plan to get done I'm not doing. I mean I've started the same load of dishes three times now! I fill the sink with hot soapy water and dirty dishes. I give it a few minutes and run off to do something else on my list. Something will come up and wham! The day's over and that sink has cold scummy water now. *sigh*
The first couple days I was not even home for most of the days and when I finally got home it was with a cranky child in tow. Then wednesday night I was thinking that thursday I would finally get some of the home cleaned. I had goals set and I was on my way to bed at a decent time to start myself off right.
Then my daughter gets the flu. Woke up and vomited all over everything. Poor girl. DH brought her bedding to the laundry room and set it on while I soothed her and washed her stomach contents out of her hair. After getting her settled in to bed again she gets sick again. This time I was there with her and was able to get a garbage can in time.
She's burning up and doesn't seem to be starting to feel any better. Complaining her stomach hurts. I rush to the car in my pyjamas and drive to the pharmacy. Get home to find her laying in bed with her Daddy sitting beside her. It was sweet. He was her Knight standing vigil against the dark virus. His weapons were snuggles and a garbage can.
Anyway. She was given a bunch of things to help and got settled into sleep. All seemed well. That was until we wake up at 730am to find her floor covered in vomit. She missed the bucket. This time DH snuggled her while I cleaned up. (We make a good team)
So, all the plans of cleaning today got tossed out the window. I sat with her and ran her bedding through the wash. It took me an hour to convince her to let me take a nap because I had an exam to write tonight. Nap was successful however I didn't write the exam (long story, no worries).
Tomorrow I have a procedure at the hospital in the morning, items to pick up in the afternoon, cards to mail, a couple gifts to buy and still need to do the house cleaning I've been unable to do all week! ACK!

Dear Gods...

Christmas shopping today.

I've never wanted a perc more.

#!*@ it hurts!

Low sleep = high pain

Night before last I just could not sleep. I spent hours trying to keep my eyes closed long enough to let sleep come. Nothing worked. Eventually I think I was just too exhausted for anything and napped for about an hour or so. The whole night I snatched 15-30 minute naps.
Last night I drugged myself up on pain killers and sleep aids hoping to get a better sleep. It started off great but 4am came around and my DD and her BFF (who slept over) decided it was time to wake up and be annoying and loud and rude.
So despite being able to grab a bit more sleep I'm in huge amounts of pain right now. Enough that I'm laying in my bed and taking mental stock of all the pain killers I have and which ones will pack the biggest punch. Wish I had a perc or two left.

Possible reactions to foods

I'm not sure what's going on with my body. I have a suspicion that it MIGHT be the ginger ale. Or the combination of ginger ale and cranberry juice.
Allow me to explain. Yesterday I poured myself a glass of cranberry juice and put in some ginger ale. I've had it plenty of times before if not recently. Half way through the glass I got a bad headache in the back of my skull. I slept it off and all was right again. Well, as right as I usually am.
Anyway, today at dinner I poured the same thing. And again, half way through I get the headache. Different time of day both times and nothing else in common.
Drinking them apart hasn't had any ill effects so far. So I'm wondering if it is the drink or possibly something else. The only thing I know for sure is I'm not going to drink it again.
Things were so much easier when I mixed Malibu with my cranberry juice! LOL

Poverty

Poverty is something that affects millions of people world wide.  And those of us with serious mental health issues seem to make up a large portion of those people.  I read an article yesterday and I was amazed at how accurately it puts forth my own feelings.  She talks about the never ending cycle of defeat.  The acceptance that it will never get better than this.

Here is a link to the essay:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-tirado/why-poor-peoples-bad-decisions-make-perfect-sense_b_4326233.html

It turns out very well for her in the end.  She wrote this article to share how life is for her and ended up making more than my husband and I can make in a year combined. It's too bad that things like this do't happen to everyone who needs the help.

DD has been in a bad mood since I picked her up from school today. She wanted to play at a friend's place but that family had cleaning to do. She cried and whined and begged. It didn't work. She said she would help them clean. Yeah, right! Like she cleans her room?
Her teacher said that she's been very difficult at school the last few weeks. Said that her medication doesn't seem to be working as well but it does seem to be lasting longer. He told me there was an altercation with another girl. My DD apparently scratched her. She spit on another girl's desk as well.
So when I got home she stayed in kitchen and read a book while I fiddled with my cell phone in the living room (I have finished the book I was reading earlier today). I didn't feel able to deal with her or anything else. It was difficult just to calm myself down. I didn't want to scream at her or otherwise lash out. So I needed to calm myself down.
Now I feel guilty because I know DH will be upset that I haven't cleaned the dishes or anything else today. Even though I was supposed to come home after my zen weekend to a clean kitchen and tidy home. Even though since I took over weekday dishes and have him on weekend dishes, there is no time I can recall that I wake up Monday morning to a clean kitchen counter.
Why should I feel guilty?
I shouldn't.
But I do.

Not enough

Never is enough. Not enough sleep at night, not enough time away, not enough of anything right now.
The pain is really bad right now. My lower back and all down my legs. I'm hoping that a hot shower will help later. Until then I plan to nap. Try to gain more strength and calm the burning pain in my body.

One more night

Today is the last full day of my respite. Tomorrow I can be here for a while however I must clear out my room by 10am so they can prepare for another person.
It's been good so far. I like not having the responsibilities that I have at home. I cooked breakfast for those who wanted it this morning. And I was quite happy that I didn't need to clean up after I ate. Someone that I cooked for cleaned up for me!
I think I may be better equipped to deal at home now however I know its not enough. I know that I need more time.
I love this house and I'd be the happiest woman if we had a home like this. It's perfect for everything I want. I'd change very little. Only add a better bathtub (jacuzzi) in the top bathroom (there are two and a half bathrooms) and remodel the little sun room off the dining room. That would have to be heated and have planters all around the edge with herbs and a few flowers. A nice little breakfast nook and herb garden. The perfect place to have tea.
Since my time is limited here I'm going to delve into my beads. It gives me peace.