Midnight Ramble

Not only is my anxiety level higher than normal lately I am also experiencing some of my rarer symptoms of stress.  Repetative behavior; tapping most often, with varying levels of intensity.  Completely involuntary.

Reading that over it sounds so clinical, so sureal.  But it's really me and it really happens.  My stress level gets higher and higher and my hand starts to flick at the wrist.  Usually tapping something.  Steering wheel, couch, desk, my own leg.  I try to stop myself but sometimes it just gets worse.  Sometimes I can change to clenching my fingers up over and over again.  Not always.

I'm wired from the stress so that I am awake until about 20 minutes after taking two melatonin.  Thank goodness for melatonin!  Which is starting to affect me right about now.

Good night.

The Ostrich Diaries

It's a bit difficult to put into words how I'm feeling right now. Panic has a grip on my throat and I feel like I am slowly choking. My heart is racing and I'm a bit light headed.

It's so hard to get a good breath in. I feel so tired. I want to eat endlessly. Anything. I would happily munch on cucumber slices with salt and pepper or a big bowl of Cheerios. I could eat steak or eggs or both. The will power it's taking not to raid my kitchen is draining.

I'm just so tired.

I don't know how to function right now. The thought of doing much of anything is terrifying. As hard as it is to believe that talking to my daughter or putting away some of my mess by my desk is triggering even more panic.

What can I do? I feel so helpless and ashamed. Like I'm not being a good wife or mother. Like I'm failing at life. I wish I could just bury my head in the sand and make it all go away.


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Doom and Gloom

We got a notice at the beginning of this month. It was from EI letting us know that the last eligible payment had been made. This was a bit of a shock (understatement) to us since the CRA website indicated the claim ending mid June.

As you can assume I am very stressed right now. My diet is hard to maintain when I'm dealing with the extra cortisol rampaging through my system.

I feel awful emotionally, I want to eat. My stomach is a bit upset. All I really want to do is lay down and watch tv or sleep.

This sucks!
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

I've been a very bad girl

I've been a bit off the wagon lately. I'm pretty sure I have been staying in my caloric range, just not eating what I should be. Too much on the carbs and late night snacking.

I don't feel so great and expect that my lack of nutrition and activity are part of the reason. Though I'm sure that I'm going to have a 'cycle' soon, so that may account for my tummy troubles.

Emotionally eating has happened a lot lately, still upset about the way my Dr spoke to me.

I think I may try to write him a letter so that I can get down the reason I feel this way.

We need more email based therapy!


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

In addition to my earlier post

I wanted to add some information that is crucial to the situation. This doctor has seen me a total of two times. The first time is when he put me on gabapentin. The second time is when he told me I was too 'high'. He doesn't know me well enough to arbitrarily fill me with pills.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

Mental Health

As I have mentioned in my past entry, I am going through a journey for my overall health and not just the weight loss. Part of this was beginning to see a new psychiatrist in the hopes of finding medication that will help with the anxiety and depression. The anxiety is the part that I have the most trouble with, it's counter productive.

I have Manic Depression which is (for those who don't know) characterised by extreme highs and lows. The highs are different for everyone. I guess it's like the person is on an 'upper'. Often the person becomes reckless or a thrill seeker. Manic highs also often cause people to gamble and spend money frivolously. My highs are not like that. I tend to fidget a lot. I talk fast and loud. I'm hyper and bubbly and, well...unique.

Many years ago I was ridiculed for this 'behaviour'. I was told that people didn't want to be my friend because of it. I was just too 'out there' or 'loud'. My parents don't like it at all, it's one of the reasons I can never visit them for more than a few days. They just can't handle how extremely extroverted I am. I feel a bit bad sometimes because when I think something is funny I will sometimes burst out in loud laughter and scare my poor old Grandfather half to death.

My parents love me despite my 'highs' and my Grandfather is the same. I spent a lot of time soul searching when I was younger and finally was able to love that part of me too. I came to the understanding that this part of my personality is part of what makes me so very unique and that if people didn't like it they could kiss my ass! That's right! Pucker up baby because this is me and I like me! No one else matters when it comes to this.

So imagine my shock when my new psychiatrist tells me I'm 'too high' and is suggesting that I start taking lithium. Lithium! Since I'm married and could get pregnant it is, thankfully, not recommended for me. We spent about half an hour talking about this and how I don't think I need to take it down. He wanted me to increase the gabapentin and decrease (and eventually stop) the zoloft. His goal seemed to be to get me on that lithium once I decided to stop trying to have a baby.

I eventually agreed to try an increase in gabapentin and the decrease in zoloft and he sent me off. I had to see him the next day to pick up medication samples for someone who could not pick them up for themselves.

When I got home I was despondent. I asked my husband and one of my closest friends (who had been over for a visit) what they thought. Both of them disagree with the doctor. As I shared my feelings with them, and later with my cousin who joined us, I realized that I had the right to say no. That I had the right to protect that part of me. And I decided to tell the doctor that the next day.

Today came and I've already been to see him. After explaining that I was not comfortable with changing the medication and that my friends and family support me in this he suggested that I no longer see him since my family can treat me. Yes, you read that correctly.

Welcome to Waterloo Region mental health care.
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

A complete journey

First point today: still down eight pounds, lots more to go.

I have been pondering lately and have come to the conclusion that this journey I am on is more than just healthy weight loss. It's a journey to discover myself. Finding out who I am and becoming healthy in body, mind and soul.

I have discovered a few new things about myself. I shouldn't really refer to them as 'new' thing since I have always been me. I just didn't fully understand this part of me.

I am a polyamorous person. And I have a lot of love to give to people. When I love, I love deeply. I don't speak now of only romantic love. Though I do know that I am capable of loving more than one person romantically. And that the love I give to one person does not ever take away from the love I give to any other. Love, I believe, is infinite. The people that are close to me in friendship, I love many of them. And I have made a point lately of telling people how I care for them. So they know that they are cherished.

I have also been taking tiny steps towards my spiritual self. Learning my path and walking it. It's a slow journey, but I have no doubt that I will get to exactly where I need to be.


Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone