Check-in

Last year around this time I started going down into the black hole of seasonal depression. I didn't quite realize what was happening at the time and that, I believe, is what set me on to my current path of self discovery and awareness.
Who am I?
I am a mother, wife, sister, cousin, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, niece, friend and sometimes confidant. The pressures of these things have been building within me so that now I feel overwhelmed. It's too much. I need time to be me and only me.
So this year when I began to notice the changes in myself I spoke up. I told my DH and we decided to give me a weekend away. A planned respite.
There is a wonderful program in our city that has a crisis respite house where those in need of respite can have just that. I have a small room with a soft bed and even a dresser if I wanted to use one. It's a very large old house and I love it here. it's nice to not have any responsibility. No one to explain to. If I feel I need a break I just take one.
In fact, I think I might just take a nap shortly. It's after four in the afternoon and I may just nap before dinner is served. That's right, served.
Now, if I could only get my anxiety to calm down and accept the break.

How do we move on if we are still in pain?

How do you just "get over" a big issue in a marriage? When your spouse does something that hurts you so much that you contemplate divorce, how do you move on? How do you get over it?

The pain I feel inside is crushing. There are times when I feel like I must be worthless. There are times when I feel so angry. There are times when I don't even know what to feel.

I live with my husband and daughter yet I feel so very alone. And very broken.

Grumpy Bear

You know the little cloud that follows Grumpy Bear? Just like the one on his tummy symbol? I feel like I have one following me today.

Depression is taking a bit stronger of a hold on me today. I had a counselling appointment and had to talk about some things that have happened. Things that I tried to push back into my mind and ignore the pain of. If only to move on with my life. But today I thought about it. I brought it out and had to face it again.

Why is it that those whom you love can hurt you the most of all? I feel so broken inside right now. I want to curl up next to my Daddy and cry on his lap. I want him to put his hand on my shoulder and just be there. I want someone to make me feel better. Like a person of worth. Like I'm someone special that deserves to be loved.

You know she's special when...

I've recently discovered my DD has developed a new game to play by herself. I'm not entirely sure how to play it myself despite her trying to explain it to me.

It's only component is a thesaurus. From what I understand she looks up a word, chosen by her at random, and reads it aloud. Then she looks for the synonym of that word that has a specific requirement she comes up with at that point. Seemingly, completely at random.

Does that make sense to anyone?

My daughter sure is unique!

Don't Assume

You don't know me, don't assume you do. Don't assume that I trust you because you are related to me. By blood or marriage, it doesn't matter. Not to me. Most of the time I trust easily however people tend to do things to dissuade me from continuing that trust.

I decided to text my SIL (sister in law) since I knew she was trying to think of gifts for us for Christmas. I was making an effort because, after all, she is family.

Now I should tell you that my SIL lives out west. And I thought she was an okay person. But after some time I realized that I didn't much care for her as a person. But family, right? She did some things that really upset me. I won't go into the details here though.

When I asked her what she got for my DD she refused to tell me; saying that it's Christmas and it's about surprises. I tried to explain to her that my DD is very sensitive and frightens easily. There are things that I won't allow her to have. Nothing changed her mind. It's not just the fears or the restrictions I have (like no Bratz dolls), it's also the waste of money. You see the first gift that was sent to my DD was a gold bracelet. She doesn't wear jewelry, she thinks it's pretty but she plays with it and ties it to things. It's just not a good gift. For me, she got me a set of glass pillar candle holders which my neighbour is currently enjoying. The next time she was gift giving she did a decent job with DD. Got her a cd and cute dino-bank. Me? A bitch faced pastel fairy with broken fingers. My DH refused to let me give it away, so I put it in DD's room. She thinks it's pretty. Probably because it's got a few gems in it.

It just blows my mind. She says to me "I know you don't like surprises" and that is so far from true. I LOVE surprises for myself. I don't really care if it's for DH, I don't need to know what it is. He's a big boy after all. But my daughter, my most precious dearest heart. I want to protect her.

I suggested to her that our relationship would go smoother if she was more co-operative. This was her response to me: I think as long as we talk with respect and kindness to each other we should have no trouble to talk and have a good relationship!! U have to trust me !

I said I was sorry, but I don't.

She responded with "ok then that's all I needed to know"

What I'd like to know is why she thinks that I HAVE to trust her. I barely know her, what I do know I'm not fond of, why in the world would I just blindly trust her?

Sometimes I don't understand people.

My little Aspie

My DD has asperger's syndrome along with combination type ADHD. She is also Gifted. She comes home from school every day with the same attitude, "I hate school". I had to fight so hard for her teacher to give her some of the supports she needs and to even recognise that she is Gifted. Her teacher is the same as last year. Last year I told him that she's smarter than everyone thinks. That he needed to challenge her. I've come to understand that when she tells me something is 'too hard' for her it really means it isn't mentally stimulating enough for her. Otherwise known as 'boring'.
It was part way through last year that she was officially noticed as Gifted by the special education team. And even after that her (then grade 3) teacher would not agree, would not give her advanced or challenging assignments. It's so frustrating!