Depression Sucks

I look around me at the mess and I have no will to do anything about it. I've been sad and tense all day and now the one thing that was making me feel better has fallen through.
I was invited to a gathering of people from DH's work and I was really looking forward to going. Had a shower and got dressed in a nice shirt and jeans (hubby loves me in jeans). Even did my hair nice and put on make up.  That's a lot for me, it takes spoons to do all of that and I tend to be greedy with my spoons when I have them. It's how I've survived.
Went to start my car and it seemed to be okay, a little stiff to turn but then okay and then stiff again. The snow was holding little half frozen puddles of fluid from my car. I'm assuming it's power steering fluid. Which is funny since I just had the power steering repaired a couple weeks ago.
I'm so stressed out with this dammed car!

Enrichment

The process of getting my child into enrichment programming is convoluted and I barely understand it. Last year she didn't get any time to meet with the enrichment teacher that goes from school to school.  She's not assigned to only one school she has several. I think she may have been introduced but nothing more. My DD did get access to the blog for the program.  That was apparently the first step.
Step two happened this week when my DD was officially put on the verbal list (something that happens at the  enrichment meeting that happens once a month and seems very important) for this programs next step. If accepted, she will attend a completely different school one day a week and have classes there with other gifted children her age.
Next step is after she is in THAT program for a while and the teachers there get a chance to know her better then she can be put forward for the full enrichment program.  And that is what we are working so hard for.  She's such an amazing person.

Healthy Snacking

I had been on the lookout for an easy to make granola bar recipe for a very long time.  Granola bars are a staple in my home and my family gobbles them up quicker than I can buy them! I'm so glad I found this very easy and very flexible granola bar recipe.   Healthy Easy No-Bake Granola Bars
Ingredients:
1/4	cup	peanut butter (or no-nut butter)
1/4	cup	honey
1&1/2	cups	quick oats
1	cup	dates (or sultana raisins)
1-2	cups	Other Stuff
Other Stuff (suggestions):
Nuts of your choice
Cranberries
Pre-mixed granola (this will make a slightly more crumbly bar)
Chocolate chips
Sunflower Seeds
Pepitas
Cinnamon
Mini Marshmellows
Flax Seed
Hemp Seed
Vanilla Extract
Instructions:
Put dates (raisins) in a blender/food processor and chop until ball forms (about
one minute) and set into bowl.
Add oats and "other stuff" to bowl and set aside.
Heat peanut butter and honey in saucepan until combined and warm.
Pour mixture over ingredients in the bowl and mix well.
Press into 8"x8" wax paper lined pan and put in the fridge/freezer for about
15 minutes.
Cut into bars and enjoy, keep all leftovers refrigerated!
Originally from :  The Minimalist Baker
My version is slightly different

Just like most days

This morning was nice, I got to sleep in until about 11:30. I went to bed at a decent enough time so despite my usual frequent waking up and tossing and turning I was able to get more rest than I usually do. When I finally got out of bed I wasn't in as much pain as I normally am in the mornings. Also not nearly as stiff.
There wasn't much different this morning from any other morning; bathroom, make coffee, pet rat, talk to family, bathroom again. I ran a bath for my daughter, watched something on Netflix, brushed my daughters hair, spent 15 minutes tidying in the kitchen, made myself something to eat and ate it, and spent about about 5 more minutes cleaning up. I drink a little bit of water too. After only three and a half hours out of bad and very minor things done, I am back in bed again lying down. I'm tired, my ankle is very sore, my legs are stuff, and I'm a little dizzy.  But truly this isn't much different than any other day. With the exception of when I'm working, like next week and last week, I have no choice but to push myself further. Even if that means later on I will crash, and my pain will be much worse. I have no choice because I have a family to take care of, it's not just about me.

Not Enough Spoons

For those of you that have no idea what I am referring to, please read about The Spoon Theory.

My DH was right.  And he will rejoice to see this in print and for the entire world to read.  He is rarely right, after all, so it is cause for celebration. *giggles* This morning he texted me to advise against going anywhere.  He plainly said that I did not have enough spoons to clear off the car.  I relaxed and ate and was able to recoup another spoon so I bundled up and headed out to do some errands.

Bad idea.

My stubbornness would not allow me to just give up so I struggled to get the car cleared off and then I drove it over to appointment number one.  Before I even got there I decided that nothing was worth driving around in this, I had a hard enough time getting out of my own driveway, could only go about 20-30kph the whole trip there and got stuck once I found the right place.  So I headed home right after the appointment worrying about how my husband was going to fare in these conditions.  He works in another city and the transit is not pleasant.  He has to walk about 30 minutes just to get to the bus stop.  And I worry about my daughter walking home from school in this weather, and I worry about not getting the errands done that I wanted to.  With all this worrying I developed a panic attack.

To make matters worse I have a very sore arm that sends sharp pains all over it when I move it most ways.  I also cannot hold anything substantial in my right hand due to pain and weakness.  Not even my glass of water.

So my spoons have depleted to nearly gone by getting clothes on, clearing my car off, driving to an appointment, driving back and getting comfortable clothes back on. (PS they are called pj's) Oh, and the panic attack took away a couple spoons too.

Did I mention that I hate it when he's right?

The Effects of Acupressure

Yesterday I spoke of meeting an amazing woman named Yuumi (who has a blog, btw.) and getting my very first acupressure massage.  It was great.  And after an early night to bed (asleep by 9:30pm) and a later wake up (just after 8am) I already feel different.  I massaged my hand, a reflex of habit now, to find that the tension building there since early October has drastically reduced.  I also feel as if the treatment has begun to open me up to new levels of understanding myself.  I shocked myself with a revelation about my childhood over coffee with my DH this morning.  Not something I will go into here however I am going to put it somewhere private until I feel ready to share it.

So, this one's for Yuumi.

The day of Amazing People

Today started well enough, woke up and had a cup of coffee.  I went to bed at about 10pm last night and got to sleep in until 8am.  DH slept on the couch (fell asleep watching a movie again) so it was a bit lonely in that bed by myself.  I let him know how I felt and he's going to try to come to bed with me and not sleep on the couch.  I think it is important in our healing relationship that we sleep together, hug more and talk openly about exactly how we feel.  It's not easy after the betrayal that I have felt however I am willing to try.  He is a good man and he does take good care of me.  He can be an amazing person.

I took my DD to pick up my amazing friend PC and her son DC.  DC and my DD have similar "issues" and they are very close in age.  We hoped that they would get along well and we got our wish.  They played together very well and frankly much calmer than my DD plays with other friends or on her own.  We drove to Tim Horton's before going to the downtown market because one coffee is just not enough for PC.  At the market we met a young woman from China going to university locally.  She made jewelry with traditional Chinese braiding and hand painted ceramics.  To say they were beautiful or that she is talented would be an understatement.  She is amazing.

One of my favourite amazing people has a table at the market and I love to visit and chat with her. Her name is Ashley Hanna and she is the owner/founder/creator of Hanna-Made-Soaps.  I approached her table and asked her for her recommendation for a soap that my husband and I could use.  In Toronto we had a lady that sold us "black soap" for our skin "issues" and we wanted to find something similar after we moved away and couldn't order for delivery.  She gave me a suggestion along with a free sample and we were hooked.  I love her products, and being a small business woman myself I do what I can to help spread the word of her fabulous products.  I had a short chat with her today and picked up a sample of soap made solely with olive oil to have my DH try along with a chocolate scented one that I cannot wait to try out!

The market here has the best egg vendor in the area.  At OK Egg Farms they sell grade B eggs 2.5 dozen for $5.50!  The owner there told me that I was welcome to come on out to the farm any day to buy eggs there if I can't make it to the market.  I always get disappointed when I can't get to the market to buy my yummy fresh eggs.  She gave me a map and pointed out exactly where to go and what highway to take to get there.  Amazing.

Coming out of the market to a mess of white and brown was not very pleasant however we safely arrived at our next destination: my home, to drop off our market shopping and pick up the Groupon that my DH had given me for Christmas.  I was going to be late since the roads were horrendous so my DH called in advance, leaving a message and hoping it got through to her.  I headed over to drop off PC, DC and my DD at PC's house and was on my way to my very first Acupressure Massage.

Atlas Yoga Studio is a warm and inviting place.  There are comfy couches to lounge while awaiting your class or service.  There is a large open space that can be transformed to fit all the needs of the studio staff.  This is where I met the most amazing woman I have met in a very long time.  Her name is Yuumi and she is certified in Five Elements Acupressure, Foot Reflexology and Thai Yoga Massage.  She is in training to be a yoga instructor as well.  She was kind to wait almost 45 minutes for me to finally show up and even kinder to work a little extra long with me due to the severity of my concerns.  In such a small amount of time she was able to begin to release the emotional stress that has debilitated my body, mind and soul.  She explained to me that my Muladhara (Root) chakra is depleted and most likely has been all of my life.  The trauma that I had experienced in my formative years had taken the feeling of safety and stability.  You hear about people having "Daddy issues" all the time on television, I have "Mommy issues".  I didn't have a loving and nurturing mother, I did not feel safe.  And as an infant that must have been frightening.  I was given the task of facing my childhood.  To look at the horrors that I faced then and let them go.  It is how I will heal.

I was invited to come back for a yoga class when I am able to join them.  I am excited for this chance as I feel so powerfully about Yuumi and the work that she does.  I hope to see her many more times along this journey of mine.