Dear Gods...

Christmas shopping today.

I've never wanted a perc more.

#!*@ it hurts!

Low sleep = high pain

Night before last I just could not sleep. I spent hours trying to keep my eyes closed long enough to let sleep come. Nothing worked. Eventually I think I was just too exhausted for anything and napped for about an hour or so. The whole night I snatched 15-30 minute naps.
Last night I drugged myself up on pain killers and sleep aids hoping to get a better sleep. It started off great but 4am came around and my DD and her BFF (who slept over) decided it was time to wake up and be annoying and loud and rude.
So despite being able to grab a bit more sleep I'm in huge amounts of pain right now. Enough that I'm laying in my bed and taking mental stock of all the pain killers I have and which ones will pack the biggest punch. Wish I had a perc or two left.

Possible reactions to foods

I'm not sure what's going on with my body. I have a suspicion that it MIGHT be the ginger ale. Or the combination of ginger ale and cranberry juice.
Allow me to explain. Yesterday I poured myself a glass of cranberry juice and put in some ginger ale. I've had it plenty of times before if not recently. Half way through the glass I got a bad headache in the back of my skull. I slept it off and all was right again. Well, as right as I usually am.
Anyway, today at dinner I poured the same thing. And again, half way through I get the headache. Different time of day both times and nothing else in common.
Drinking them apart hasn't had any ill effects so far. So I'm wondering if it is the drink or possibly something else. The only thing I know for sure is I'm not going to drink it again.
Things were so much easier when I mixed Malibu with my cranberry juice! LOL

Poverty

Poverty is something that affects millions of people world wide.  And those of us with serious mental health issues seem to make up a large portion of those people.  I read an article yesterday and I was amazed at how accurately it puts forth my own feelings.  She talks about the never ending cycle of defeat.  The acceptance that it will never get better than this.

Here is a link to the essay:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-tirado/why-poor-peoples-bad-decisions-make-perfect-sense_b_4326233.html

It turns out very well for her in the end.  She wrote this article to share how life is for her and ended up making more than my husband and I can make in a year combined. It's too bad that things like this do't happen to everyone who needs the help.

DD has been in a bad mood since I picked her up from school today. She wanted to play at a friend's place but that family had cleaning to do. She cried and whined and begged. It didn't work. She said she would help them clean. Yeah, right! Like she cleans her room?
Her teacher said that she's been very difficult at school the last few weeks. Said that her medication doesn't seem to be working as well but it does seem to be lasting longer. He told me there was an altercation with another girl. My DD apparently scratched her. She spit on another girl's desk as well.
So when I got home she stayed in kitchen and read a book while I fiddled with my cell phone in the living room (I have finished the book I was reading earlier today). I didn't feel able to deal with her or anything else. It was difficult just to calm myself down. I didn't want to scream at her or otherwise lash out. So I needed to calm myself down.
Now I feel guilty because I know DH will be upset that I haven't cleaned the dishes or anything else today. Even though I was supposed to come home after my zen weekend to a clean kitchen and tidy home. Even though since I took over weekday dishes and have him on weekend dishes, there is no time I can recall that I wake up Monday morning to a clean kitchen counter.
Why should I feel guilty?
I shouldn't.
But I do.

Not enough

Never is enough. Not enough sleep at night, not enough time away, not enough of anything right now.
The pain is really bad right now. My lower back and all down my legs. I'm hoping that a hot shower will help later. Until then I plan to nap. Try to gain more strength and calm the burning pain in my body.

One more night

Today is the last full day of my respite. Tomorrow I can be here for a while however I must clear out my room by 10am so they can prepare for another person.
It's been good so far. I like not having the responsibilities that I have at home. I cooked breakfast for those who wanted it this morning. And I was quite happy that I didn't need to clean up after I ate. Someone that I cooked for cleaned up for me!
I think I may be better equipped to deal at home now however I know its not enough. I know that I need more time.
I love this house and I'd be the happiest woman if we had a home like this. It's perfect for everything I want. I'd change very little. Only add a better bathtub (jacuzzi) in the top bathroom (there are two and a half bathrooms) and remodel the little sun room off the dining room. That would have to be heated and have planters all around the edge with herbs and a few flowers. A nice little breakfast nook and herb garden. The perfect place to have tea.
Since my time is limited here I'm going to delve into my beads. It gives me peace.