What does it really mean?

Today I planned to have a relaxing day followed by attacking my 'play area' and getting it organised.

One of my closest and dearest friends took me out for breakfast at Fireside. Wonderful as always. We drove to Walmart to return/exchange a couple things. And despite the fact that without the receipt I had to accept the sale price as my refund it was still a positive trip. Canadian Tire stop was quick and my Dear Friend (DF) picked up a knife sharpener on sale.

We made a quick stop at my place because I had left my swim suit there this morning. Pre-coffee me isn't as bright as post-coffee me. (^.^)

The pool was refreshing and the hot tub was relaxing. Everything I wanted. Everything I needed. And when I thought of spending some time browsing thrift stores with my DF after the pool I got an attack of IBS. So when I thought of all the things waiting at home that I <I>should</i> be doing and decide to try to enjoy myself a little bit longer I get stressed. And my body rebels.

Well good luck enjoying the rest of MY day!

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I cannot handle this

Right now I had to get up from my dinner table and walk outside. I'm near to tears and angry beyond belief. If I stayed inside I'm not sure I would live much longer. Not sure what my DD would do if she found me laying on the floor with blood pouring from my wrists. I knew it was my next step so I put my spoon down and walked out.

I'm just not cut out for this. I don't think I can do this, keep this up.

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Parenting Pains

My DD has refused to clean her room for the past month or so.  In our home there is "tidy" and "clean" and they are very different.  We like to do a good clean every two weeks though we don't always manage it.

She has been doing very well at helping around the house with chores but we have continued to tell her that very soon we will not accept tidy, we will expect clean.

We have been working with a CYW to develop household routines and rules for us all to live by.  And one thing that we did was make a very clear list for DD to see what she needs to do for cleaning her room.  We broke it down for her to make it very easy.  There are even pictures and it's laminated for her too.  She got this on Thursday and we told her that this weekend would be cleaning time.

Yesterday we had a few errands to run but we were home by 3pm.  I let her know that she may have dinner when her room was clean.  I wasn't feeling very well so I laid on the couch and ended up falling asleep.  It was past 5:30pm when I was awoken by DD saying she was hungry.  I repeated my earlier statement; "You may have dinner when your room is clean."

I won't bore you with the details of the next few hours.  Most of it was her trying to get out of it, saying she didn't have enough energy.  Saying that I don't really love her because she will die without food.  I even got her on video saying she would do any chore if I would just give her something to eat.  So I poured her a cup of juice (fruits and vegetables together) and gave her 5 peanuts.  I knew it was enough to get her through if she bothered to clean anything.  But she didn't and she ended up having a slice of bread with butter before bed last night.

My DH and I had a talk about it and agreed on a plan of action.  We advised our DD that she had until we were awake tomorrow (Sunday) to clean her room or we would take every toy and most of her books out of her room and get rid of them.  Storage, garbage, donation bin.  Whatever we decide.  I don't think she took us seriously.  DH didn't wake up until 11am and DD had been awake since 6am.  Plenty of time but not one thing done.  DH had a rough night of sleep so he told her he was going to sleep for a bit longer so she did have a bit of time left.  We tried to give her every chance possible.  But as parents we must stick to our word.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Always follow through.  Video by Barbara Coloroso (http://www.kidsareworthit.com/) has helped us a lot so far.

So, in about half an hour when we are doing eating we have to go in to her room and take all of her things away.  And to be honest, I think this is going to be one of the hardest things I have done as a parent.  I don't WANT to take her toys away.  I love her and don't like to see her sad or upset.  But this is a lesson I hope she will learn from.

Despondent

I feel very sad today. I don't know why. I feel as if I'm going to cry. I'm so very tired.

I was sitting on the couch and thinking, trying to figure out what is wrong when I wanted to cut myself. I wanted to feel pain. Why? Why would I want that?

I'm so tired.


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Big & Ugly

Why is it that people seem to connect being big (overweight, fat, fluffy, above average, etc.) to being ugly?

In the lunch room at the job today a slender french woman stated that she needed to be careful with the chips or she would become "big and ugly". I was the only person in the room that was above size 12.

What a sad person to not be able to see the beauty in people. A mountain is not ugly, nor a tree. I wonder what she would say if I took the chips, ate them, and said "I've got to be careful or I'll become skinny and callous."

Cheers!


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Lunch Hour

Not weighing during my cycle, no point since I eat worse and I bloat a lot.

I ate indian food. Spinach and potatoes. Had a "Fold It" along with it because the taste and texture is close to nann. Yummy.

I made a tuna noodle salad for tomorrow's lunches, complete with fresh tomatoes and celery.

I need to head back shortly. Wearing my knee brace this afternoon though. My leg is rough today!
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